Miss A.'s Matrix - Ode to Ne-yo Cuz I'm So Sick

(FEEL FREE TO SING ALONG AND SIMULTANEOUSLY DEPLETE THE O-ZONE LAYER EVEN MORE)

Hmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmm
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo-oh yeah

Gotta change my radio station
when I’m in the car
Cuz if I hear this one more time
I swear I’m gonna barf

And I know I'm being mean
Er’time I hear this song
But it’s the only thing that comes to mind when its on

Its ridiculous
How this crap gets so much damn airplay
Cant take it no moooooore
And I’m sick to my depths
Wanna kill myself
If I hear him whine one mo’ time
Im so sick of this hot mess, wanting to be deaf

And I’m so sick of Ne-yo
He’s on my nerves
So tired of hearing
His cryin’ like a girl
Said I’m so sick of Ne-yo
His mom is wack
And why’s she looking like her name is Babs?
(jay-z, mother
ne-yo, ne-yo)

Gotta change the video I see
That shows him in that fur
Cuz I do not advocate
So much damn animal murder
And it looks like seventeen wild wolves
Died on his front stoop
So he threw them on, but really he looks like a fool

That’s the reason I’m so sick of Ne-yo
I’ll take him on
Grab him up real fast
By his rhinestone thong
Said I’d make him this song
Feel the pain I feel
Having to listen to this sappy spiel

Leeeeeeeeeave me aloooooooooooone
Sissy Ne-yooooooooo
Don’t wanna hear you cry and plead
It just makes my ears bleed
All the tiiiiiiiiiime
I wanna poke you in the eye

Said I’m so sick of Ne-yo
Blah, blah, blah-blah
So tired of wonderin’
If he wears bras
Said I’m so sick of Ne-yo
He’s just so wrong
But why’d I take the time to write this song? (Repeat 3x)

(Now I need a stiff drink-BLEH!)

My Quarter Bag o' Responses

YAY!!! you guys really read this stuff!!!! smooches all around!!!! These are my real responses to the real love ya'll gave me-MMMWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Candy613 said:
First off nice pic...damn it I dispute # 64....

Miss A: thank you…and damn it, you would dispute # 64 because if you didn't, that would make you guilty of attempted vehicular manslaughter :-P (love ya)

Shawn said:
I feel like I'm allergic to kids too. You cussed out an 8 year old? YOU are out of control. When is your reality tv show debuting again?that milk - cold cereal thing you do is just plain off.Please why those 3 actresses are your imaginary friends?What are the 4 plastic surgeries? What are the chances you have the operations performed?"and we can pump, pumpall through the night till the early morn"

Miss A:
Yes, I cussed him cuz if you’re grown enough to run your mouth like an adult, then you’re old enough to get cussed like one. And yes, the milk thing is weird, prolly cuz I was allergic to it as a young whippersnapper. As far as the 3 actresses, Queen Latifah and I have a lot in common. I love her versatility and her courage to do and try new things. Tracee Ellis Ross has a sick fashion sense and her sense of humor (from what I have observed) is similar to mine..she seems like such a fun and cool person. Brandy-I’ve always liked her and when she went through that whole scandal with her fake marriage, etc. she still kept her face out there…she’s not letting it take her down. Not to mention, I have/love all of her albums. I would like to have collagen injections, the point in my nose rounded, lipo in my face and lipo on my thighs. The collagen and and lipo are highly likely with in the next 18 months…the nose scares me cuz once its altered, there’s no turning’ back!!! “in the morning I will take you around the hood on a gangsta lean…and we can pump, pump any time of day, it’s all good for me” –LOL

@ Ladynay-thank u, nice to make your blo-quaintance ;-)
@ jameil-I love your in-depth description..lol
@ Ms. Na-thank you and come on back around these parts!!
@ Honey-Libra-hmmm, stalking is seriously the most wack thing someone can do and the woman took it so far as me having to take her to court…long story. And yes, crackie was oh so surprised (see crackhead story)
@ Awe-thank u, mono sucks big funky toes and CLOROX ROCKS!!!!!
@ Sylvia-thank u, there seems to be a lot of laughter at my blog’s expense (and I love it!, I guess I’m good at something after all ;-)
@msnhim-ooh, a fellow MarshMouth…YUMMY !!!

Insanelysane said:
I hate milk too. Do you even drink soy milk?

Miss A.
Only chocolate soy milk….the white ones looks like regular milk and I just…can’t…do…it

The L said:
You got robbed by a crackhead? How did you find him/her? I am sure there is a good storie behind that?

Miss A:
Well, now that u mention it…it goes a lil’ something like this. One unsuspecting night as I partied away with my girls, a crackhead, who we'll call Mr. Crackie for anonymity's sake, decided to break into my car at the time, Casper the friendly Honda. I came out to see that he stole my luggage which was chock full of goodies including my Ipod, some clothes, my planner, my luggage itself (red croc-gasp!) and two purses that were inside the luggage. One of the purses held my credit cards which I tried to cancel that night. I cancelled all but one because their number was experiencing technical difficulties, so I had to wait until the morning. When I called the next morning, I asked had there been any charges between last night and the morning and there had been-at a hotel around the corner from where he stole my stuff!! So I got the #, called the facility and blacked out cuz I was like-HEY!!! U LET SOMEONE CHECK IN WITH MY STOLEN CARD!!! And the chick gave me attitude so I hung up and drove up there with the police. Turns out, Mr. Crackie charged multiple rooms and was taking cash from would-be patrons at a low price of about $30, no doubt for his impending crack-apalooza, but the hard part was finding which room he was actually in since he had charged so many. Enter multiple officers, scouring the halls busting in on folks, etc…kinda like a scene from COPS and they got him, with 2 of my credit cards, shirtless with yellow eyes and cracked ashy lips and dirty do’rag to cover the top of his nappy crackhead. He tossed my property but kept 2 cards which they found on him….so my detective skills and quick reaction time caught him at the spot before he bounced, but I must also give him credit for being stupid enough to chill like he didn’t do anything wrong. You would think he would’ve hopped from place to place trying to get stuff, but he posted up in his room like he was King Alli-Baba…cocaine is one hell of a drug!!!!!!!

Nikki said:
beautiful photo! i loved your answers. very candid.i've got one question. what does it feel like to be in love?

Miss A:
thank you so much….oooh, someone else just asked me that recently. I would have to say that the way I feel (being in love) is such a kamikaze of emotion. It’s my air. With this person, I want to be the “me” I truly am. I’m not hiding, I’m not afraid. I’m at my realest state because my love knows me inside-out, up, down and all-around. Sometimes it hurts…it hurts to know that this person wholly accepts me and so many people do not. But that makes our bond undeniable. Even through tough times, we have gotten to a point where there isn’t one thing that we couldn’t see our way through cuz the way we feel isn’t conditional…and it goes way beyond us, to our future family and their families. So it has become a priority for us to be realistic and responsible about each other so as not to ruin our ideals and situations with a bunch of fairy-tale garbage…and we have managed to do it. Alone, yes, I am a strong, determined person. I am full of compassion and gentleness. I’m creative, sensitive, affectionate and understanding. But with my love, in love, held by love and wrapped tightly by my love, I am but a reflection of the beauty and wonderment that I receive. And it makes me even stronger and better every day…wanting to perfect and preserve that which is the best of me.

@ “n”- hey, get to making ur list cuz I’d love to see which things we have in common…I never thought I’d meet another MarshMouth, but there is one out there…lol
@ Miss Ahmad-you are very interesting..i wonder what you r list would entail (hint, hint)
@spchrist-is your list still up? I might have to check that out :-P
@ D.O.M. – thank you, hon ( I got lucky in the genes department)!!! And I must say, perfectionism is a beautiful thing…its sets you apart from the masses who usually do things the quick and easy way-:-D!!
@ stephen bess-puh=lease do NOT get me started about all of the great things that make up Queen Latifah…thanx!

NayNay said:
"46. I currently chew 1 ½ fat packs of big-red gum per day"this shit here will have ur taste buds DEAD!!!! I chewed a about 10 pieces in night at the club, i tent to chew alot when im in large crowds cuz i get nervous, and the next morning, i woke up and couldnt feel my tounge! LOL..no lie...i love all things pink too and i love target but why did u get thrown out? LOL!!

Miss A:
Hmm, u aint lying, cuz sometimes, my mouth gets all tingly and numb but I still do it. And I got thrown out of Target for fighting the person I was in there with…my thing is, you WILL NOT embarrass me in public, cuz if you do, I will up the ante and embarrass the both of us times 10 and that’s what happened….i was so wild in my heyday…lol

@ yaz-well, I am a gusto-loving cheeseball!!!!!!
@ruben-#1, thank you so much and #2 thank you even more :-D

obifromsouthlondeon said:
aight you lost 33 pounds last year! incredible. before and after pictures. I simply cant believe it (yeah i'm an old cynic).

Miss A.:
Hmmm, before pics, I’ll see if I ever feel that brave…lol

And Last But Certainly Not Least”
To my West Coast Twin A Girl Named Shawn:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray….ha ha ha!!! and Flavor of Love was CLASSIC!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! the best part was at the end when they showed NY going after Pumkin in slow-mo and they made that lion sound for NY and the puppy sound for Pumkin...i nearly wet myself-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRROFLLLLLLLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we share brain fragments, soul pieces and cat baby love…that’s why me and you, us never part-MAKEE DAA-DAA FOREVER!!!!!!!

My Nickel Bag o' Funk

hmmmmm, so i've seen a few posts where people have divulged info about themselves and allowed questions from the blogiverse to be answered at a later date....so i figured -Why Not? Not to mention, a fellow blogger asked me "who i was," so behold my Little Known Facts and i encourage you to post any questions you would like me to answer in the next post.....

MISS A's NICKEL BAG O' FUNK!!!


1. I wore braces from 11th grade to freshman year in college cuz of a cross-bite...lol
2. I got into spelman college (didn’t think I would), chickened out and didn’t go, then said I would transfer second semester and chickened out AGAIN
3. I have a younger brother who looks older than me
4. I love all things pink, purple or pink-and-green, but fashion wise, I love black
5. I am terrified of all insects great and small
6. I have obsessive compulsive disorder
7. I was robbed by a crackhead once
8. I played detective and caught the crackhead the day after he robbed me
9. I really enjoy wine
10. I don’t like that my legs are so long
11. I would like to have plastic surgery one day (4 total)
12. I am probably one of the most sensitive people walking around planet earth
13. I love Clorox products
14. I paint but am too afraid to let people see my paintings
15. I am a fool for romance and sweet little gestures
16. I am a fool for romance and sweet big gestures
17. I have an addiction to body products, especially lotions and creams
18. I was a closet smoker for a (very) brief period of time-YUK! how gross!
19. I have a high liquor tolerance
20. I have a low BS tolerance
21. I have been thrown out of a Target before
22. I was an awkward looking person until about age 20
23. Now, I’m too fabulous for words :-)
24. I burned my right leg on a motorcycle pipe once
25. I love stilettos
26. I can cook but am usually too lazy to actually do it
27. I will go buy new underwear if I haven’t made it to the Laundromat yet
28. I like to eat marshmallow fluff from the jar
29. I’m in love
30. I like to tan, including tanning beds
31. I’ve been stalked and harassed by a man and a woman
32. I’ve caked a car before (poured rotten eggs, oil, flour and sugar on it)
33. I worry about smells a lot so I overdose on candles and oils
34. I can wake up in the morning and start eating candy
35. I used to be addicted to coca-cola (two 6-packs a day) and it landed me right in the hospital
36. I’m extremely hard-headed
37. My high school got hit by a tornado when I was a sophomore, so I had to go to school from 12p-5p at a rival school across town
38. I can talk myself out of speeding tickets really well (9 so far)
39. I got a ticket for doing 30 in a 25 once and couldn’t talk my way out of it
40. I have osteo-arthritis in my knees
41. I despise people who live in America and can’t speak/understand (basic) English
42. The first time I got drunk, I tinkled on someone’s front lawn
43. It took me 5 ½ years to graduate from college
44. I am mildly obsessed with queen latifah, tracee ellis ross, and brandy (they are friends in my head)
45. I drink Pepto-Bismol from the bottle
46. I currently chew 1 ½ fat packs of big-red gum per day
47. I have 3 godchildren, 2 girls, 1 boy
48. I feed my cat people food (like chicken, bread, vanilla frosting, doughnuts, etc.) even though I know I shouldn’t
49. I cried the first time I had to drive in snow
50. I lost 33 pounds last year
51. I only own Nike sneakers
52. I stood up to a corporate head once and she loved me for it
53. I taught behaviorally disturbed autistic adult men for 5 months
54. I suffered 4 injuries during that teaching stint
55. I yelled at Shawn Wayans at the front desk of a hotel I used to work at-before I realized who he was
56. I was pushed into Keenan Ivory Wayans while I was in a wheelchair once by an immigrant airport worker after I had surgery
57. I once worked at a Center for Earthquake Research and don’t know a thing about earthquakes
58. My high school guidance counselor loved me so much that she took me out of school one day and took me shopping and for apple pie
59. I love Star Jones-Reynolds
60. I have an all-white cat named Starr Jonez
61. I want an all-black cat that i will name Weslee Snipez
62. I worry myself sick sometimes
63. I got passed over for a job that I was qualified for so it could go to the niece of the Head Honcho’s friend - and i made sure she got a traffic ticket during her first week (I GOT THE HOOK-UP!! Holla of ya hear me!!)
64. I have had 2 near death experiences at the hands of my best friend’s driving
65. I had one near death experience at the hands of a too-short Chinese girl while we were in driving school
66. I had one near death experience at the hands of myself (hydroplaned after speeding one night in the rain)
67. I had a car accident in a rental car once
68. I sleep with an eye mask
69. I couldn’t date until I was 18
70. I didn’t turn 18 until I graduated from high school-HA!
71. I’m a good road-trip driver
72. I feel like slapping a b*tch
73. I watch way too much reality tv
74. I only drink room temperature Poland Springs bottled water
75. I am certified to draw blood from people
76. I cry when I am stuck with needles
77. I am paranoid about wrinkles
78. I hate milk, i.e. when eating cold cereal I only put enough in to wet the cereal, but don’t get any on the spoon
79. I broke my ankle the night before I graduated from high school by skipping down a lumpy front yard
80. I wish I could play the piano
81. *get up & get, get, get down, 9-1-1 is a joke in yo’ town-hee, hee
82. I’ve had my lungs collapsed
83. I cried like a baby when queen latifah’s mother stood 5 feet away from me (too scared to say anything)
84. I’m a perfectionist
85. I got mononucleosis as a senior in high school from drinking out of a contaminated cup at the prom
86. Me and my doctor share the same first name as a “freaky” singer (mine's spelled differently)
87. I’ve always wanted to do a toothpaste commercial
88. I wish I had a complete “Fraggle Rock” DVD collection and an old school Nintendo game set w/ Super Mario Bros. 1, 2 & 3
89. I am extremely squeamish about other people’s bodily things like hair and fingernails/toenails on the floor (hey, include myself in that statement-it all freaks me out)
90. I burned the veil of a bride whose wedding I was coordinating (with an iron of course) and she never knew (cuz I’m the shizz!)
91. I despise all gelatinous substances, i.e. pudding, jell-o, meringues
92. I love sushi and plum sake
93. I’m allergic to other people’s kids (except for my g-kids)
94. I detest them so much, I cursed out a smart-mouthed 8-year-old at the hair salon once
95. No, I didn’t feel bad…I warned him and his mama!
96. I’m smarter than most people think I am
97. I’m good at mixing drinks
98. Once while playing hide-and-seek in the dark, I fell and a radio antenna went straight up into my nose (Ouch!)
99. I only like soups that are cream-based, not water/broth based
100. My plants at home are named Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike & Ralph (I didn’t include Johnny with his home-wreckin’ *zz!)
101. I am extremely uncomfortable around large groups of colored people in/around my neighborhood (yes, I said colored)
102. I am a HOT BEYATCH!!!!!!!!! And I Love It!!!!!!!!!!

if u do have questions to ask, post now and i will answer on monday's post! smooches!!

Gimme My Damn Dollar, Chick!

i need help with this one, my umi (or somebody) needs to holla at me...

i ordered my lunch from RT today and was excited about my delectable salad that was being constructed just for moi!

so i took up the girl-over-the-phone's offer to use curbside service where i did not have to get out of my car, but my lunch would be brought to my window-GREAT!! well, she tells me 10-15 minutes and i'm there in 15. i sit there and wait for 7 more (yes, i counted) minutes beyond the 15 i was told. now, here's where the stankocity crept upon my attitude. i had a $20 bill. my order came to $9 even. i was glad because i needed to pass a $10 off when i got back to work and i had no more change. so here comes over-the-phone girl with my salad and i gave her the 20. i just knew she was gonna give me a 10 and a 1 dollar bill and i figured that i could spot her the "1" cuz she didn't really do anything and i had to wait extra time. it wasn't as if i was inside and she kept my drink glass full, checked on my meal, kept refreshing my crouton bowl-none of that, so i wasn't beat about tipping her anything. also, i'm not pressed about $1 but there are principalities at stake, here.

well, what in the green hell does this chick do??? she brings me 6 1's and a 5...presumably because she was expecting a tip greater than 1 and less than 5. i was not prepared for all these befangled 1's so when i opened the little leather case, the wind whipped all my little one's into the parking lot and you woulda thought it was raining MD 20/20 cuz ol' girl made some kinda whooping sound and scrampered all around gathering them up (and rightfully so). so i sat, watched and waited for her to hand me my 6 one's and she handed them to me one by one as if i was gonna get down to where both of us had 3 and 3 and say-"you got that" so i kept giving her the WTF face and as she handed me the 5th one and clenched the last, i said "you gon' give me that one too!" then i sped off to enjoy my yummy salad.

now, here is where i get caught up, i feel a little bad but not really. am i wrong for getting peeved because she altered the change so as to receive her (in my opinion) unearned tip? and then because she held my dollars hostage like she didn't want to give them back, then reluctantly handed me them with an all-too-watchful eye like i OWED her? how did she know i didn't already have a couple of singles in my bag-but OH NO!!! you want to cause a parking lot spectacle by ENSURING i had the change to tip you, even though i had to wait. i have a problem with the service industry thinking that just because you did your job, you have now earned kudos and crispy one's thrown in your direction. she made 20 steps to my car, 20 steps back for change, took too long doing it, and an added 87 steps dancing around in the wind, nonetheless, she didnt provide any exemplory service, anything above and beyond or impressive-just a to-go bag. and i dont care if tips are how you earn your money, if you need more financial security, dont put all your eggs in the restaurant basket-its too fickle an industry! cuz for me to tip you well, you have to dance a jig, give me a mint, compliment my hair , keep my glass full and NEVER put ice in my beverage!!! anything less, gets you the wink-and-the-gun and a polite "thank you"

(okay, the last sentence was a joke, they don't have to compliment my hair)

now was i wrong for catching attitude at her presumptiveness? i ain't no perfect man, i'm tryin' to do the best that i can-with what it is i have-lawd knows i don't TRY to be mean to the scamps of the world.

Is It Just Me!?!?!

ok, so i was wondering if i was the only one who thinks these random thoughts from time to time??

TELL ME......

is it just me or does chamillionaire's mouth region resemble that of an orangutan?


is it just me, or does kimora lee simmons' neck look like a pack of bratwurst? why so many deep creases? (look closely)


is it just me or does anyone else think that besides it being classless, tacky, ghetto and a poor way to invest your money, grills are unsanitary? i mean, they look like they smell-wouldn't it after a build up of spit, food, smoke or whatever touches them? or are there grill rules? can you only wear them for interviews and videos or are they fully functional? can you chew gum with it in your mouth? can't you just imagine flecks of breath mints, gum residue and some chewed up chicken all up in between the diamonds just making them smell like classic yukmouth?



is it just me, or is there NO amount of money or publicity that would make me kiss this man? or even act like i'm attracted to him?


is it just me or do you agree that stretch-marked boobies should remain under wraps?



and most importantly, is it just me or does ashanti manage to ALWAYS have her big mouth open like a cacklin' hyena in pictures? NOTHING is ever THAT funny and it's NOT CUTE!!!!!! missy needs to peek at an etiquette book or have someone RE-groom her on what actions/poses/looks are appropriate during public appearances. while we must suffer through these pictures, no one wants to see what ashanti had to eat today........


the damn apple doesn't fall far.......BOO!! and P.S. is it just me again, that thinks her and her tag-along momma have terrible taste in lipstick?? its either too pale or too 80's red...just a smorgasbord of ewwwwwwww!!

tell me i'm not CRAZY!!!!

Fugly is the New Mogwai, I Mean SUPERMODEL!!!!!!!!!!

i wasn't gonna post anything else today, but tyra n'em done lost it-i tell ya!!



YAY!! After much anticipation, Cycle 6 of America's Next Top Model has put its new contestants on display and i must say-i'm convinced that ug-mugs are the new fabulous. the funnier looking you are-the further you are gonna go. now some of these chicks do actually look nice after makeup, hair and airbrushing magic...but where's the fun in that?!?!-BEHOLD THE TRANSFORMATIONS>>>>>>>>>>>>
YIKES!!!! before and after made me choke on my chewing gum..low budget angelina-BOO!

ok, before looks a hot country mess with those uneven lop-sided eyebrows. and after doesn't do anything for me either...it's looks slightly tranny.-BOO!

nearer my god to thee!!!!!!!!!!! was this a joke?!?! ok, i wasn't gonna even comment cuz where do you start with this one? but she looks like the neighborhood homeless woman who always asks for your pocket change to get cigarettes or somebody's aunt chaunceen who chain smokes and says the word "sh*t" a lot. FU-ronda...OMG!!! help me father!!!! no need to even see the after.

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?? my what big teeth you have, gina!-BOO!

OK, HERE IS THE WINNER!!!! she better win or i will never watch this show again. the before pic is a little scary, but sista girl is the shizz....watch out eva!! (kinda looks like a more asian keke wyatt)

wtf?!?! every day looking, nothing special-BOO!

missy looks a little twisted in the before pic, maybe too many celebratory shots the night before. after bores me and some chap stick is needed ASAP!!! BOO!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! oh holy hamburgers!!!! whose big-throat having, sharp shoulder grandmother got past the judges!?!?! i cannot even believe that this person made it into the audition. she looks about 40 and the expression just gave me a nightmare. i think she happened to baby jane and emily rose-just one look was all it took. BOO! BARF! CACKLE! GAG! i swear the fuglier....no need to continue. seems like anyone can get on that show. maybe i should snap a pic of Tashi upstairs with her hurling that african statue around...i bet she'd make it to the finals, especially since a lot of these girls have an ashy-lip issue. tashi would fit riiiiiiiiight in.

(there are a few more girls but my computer got tired of loading all those wack pics)

YA'LL GET THE PICTURE!! i will definitely watch EVERY one of these episodes to see which one of these mogwai's gets the ax each week.

Poop On Your Dress!

LOVE STINKS!!! well, no it doesn't, ABC Television does


this post will be full of hateration because i am shocked and appalled at the foolishness that i witnessed on LIVE! with Regis and Kelly monday morning. there was a couple, staci tompkins and jeremy mcninch, who was selected to have their wedding paid for and performed live on the show....now, i'm all down for love and ish, but the reasoning behind this debacle was what bothered me.

this couple was chosen because they were victims of Hurricane Katrina and since N.O. is still in rebuilding stage, they couldn't have thier wedding. now, call ME crazy, but i feel as though there were MANY more productive ways to blow money on Katrina victims. how many people are still without homes? the news was just reporting about the number of people who were being housed in hotels paid for by FEMA and are now being told that their deadline has arrived, so they have to bounce. where are they going to go? hmmmm, we shall see. yet, regis and kelly bestowed these poor, unfortunate lovebirds with a brand new car, and a ridiculously lavish wedding including, rings (hers was 4 carats), attire, pictures, flowers, the reception at Tavern On The Green, a suite at the Waldorf, spa time, limos, furniture, a $10,000 registry at Target and a honey moon in Bora Bora, Tahiti. after adding all that up, i'm sure the monetary value of this event could have really been most useful for some struggling parents and children who (still) have no where to live and are without basic necessities, or even the people who are still without hospital space and need medical attention. i mean, i was waiting for them to say the bride or groom was terminally ill, or lost a limb trying to save people during the hurricane, or something really outstanding or extraordinary which granted them such an elaborate gift, something that made them stand out from the thousands of other Katrina victims....but i guess not. why focus on the families and children who are scraping by when we can blow money on some regular folks who had to postpone their wedding??? that seems urgent to me. how 'bout you? i wonder if tyrone and shequanika were in this same predicament, would they have received all these bells and whistles? well, this post is for the tyrones and shequanikas who have postponed their weddings, fed their kids, found places to lay their heads, kept it moving through sickness and disease and are still making a way out of no way - and are doing so with no pats on the back, a tv camera shoved in thier face, or assistance placed ever-so-gently in thier laps. and to the newlywed mcninch's, may your filet mignon be undercooked, your honeymoon weather be nothing but rain, and the beautiful white wedding doves poop on your ridiculous wedding dress.

Blizzard '06 and All Kinds of Negrocity

IG'NANCE OF THE DAY:: "We would be on the slopes and wouldn't even have any skis. Black folks would be out there in they church shoes!" - Cedric the Entertainer from The Original Kings of Comedy


HA!!! and speaking of the darker nation doing things a little unorthodoxly, i must speak on the blizzard we experienced the other night. It really sucked to have to shovel and de-ice cars, walkways, steps, etc. nonetheless, there was a silver lining to the snow capped cloud of Blizzard '06...my imbecilic neighbors. first things first - we got 26.9 inches of snow. every channel had been force-feeding the public about the upcoming weather for at least a week and what to expect. Home Depot had a 50% off sale on all snow related merchandise like shovels and snow-blowers. this was not a game...hence my utter confusion and laughter when last night, i witnessed my neighbor digging around over 2 feet of snow with a Tennis Racket.

People, 2 feet of snow is NO JOKE!!!! especially when other people around you are trying to dig their way out and are piling more snow around your property or car to make way for themselves...but a tennis racket?!??! no wonder why he kept jumping in and out of the corolla watching as normal people shoveled and spread ice-melter...he was probably in awe of the simplicity of doing things while using common sense. i'm sure his eyes were itching and his mouth was burning, just DYING to ask me to use my shovel, ice-scraper or my ice melt mixture...but i guess he learned his lesson when he asked for a jump that last time...so he toiled away like an anorexic serena williams lost in the freshly fallen snow - racket, windbreaker and all.

then mine eyes were privy to the show that started my monday off with a good gut-busting laugh...watching this fool navigate out of his parking space over the now ice that he couldn't chip away with his racket yesterday. of course, he managed to wiggle his way in front of my car and get stuck on an ice patch, so i could not move as i watched him burn the last few treads of his tires away. i guess he got tired of going nowhere and i'm sure he noticed my cold stare, so here come the minions, his ashy wife and sister-one with a wire hanger and the other with some type of tribal artifact - no doubt to chip away at the ice. i almost died laughing at the vision of these fools, one just poking the ice with the tip of a hanger and the other breaking the wooden boobs off of somebody's ancestral likelihood. now the gods are probably all awry and spinning on another axis due to the violation of this statue...which i'm sure will result in a tribal ceremony tonight to beg for forgiveness....nonetheless, i was glad to be able to see the spectacle that i will call Nigs in the Blizz '06.

+ =

BHM, Trench Coat Mafia and Church Shoes are NOT the Move!!!!

so, i went to the club last night so i could get my dance on, which i haven't done in a long, long time. i was struggling because i had fallen asleep at home and once me and starr hit the bed, it's usually over. but i forced myself into the dead of night, blistering winds and took a few energy shots before i headed to the spot. now, as i said, i was struggling and fighting against the sleep that was overwhelming me, but i figured that when i got there, i would be inspired by the music and/or dance crowd to shake it off. instead i witnessed Mother Africa and the Continental Congo Clappers*, a member of the Trench Coat Mafia and someone's uncle that allegedly came straight from Bible Study to the club. (* this was not their name, i just felt like it should have been)

let me break it down

(a) Mother Africa and the CCC were performing (no doubt for Black History Month) some type of jazz infused ceremonial procession. it was TERRIBLE. first off, it was too late for that. people came to dance and the band was hogging the floor howling to the high heavens about good black folk, freedom and incense, and who knows what else while everyone sat/stood with stone faces and drunken stupors just praying for the demise of this performance. my buzz was wearing off and sleep was kicking my behind all over the place. nonetheless 45 minutes later, they began to clear the floor (which took an additional 30 minutes) and made way for the Drunk Hoochie Hump Show that i noticed was boiling over by the bar....YAY!!!!

(b) as i two-stepped in the corner i noticed this dude who looked very odd. not because of the off beat river dance he seemed to be doing. not because of the way he seemed to have wild energy bursts then all of the sudden become completely still...but because of the floor length black trench coat he was flailing around, no doubt wacking a few people in the butt and face when he "felt the spirit"
....ummm, just for future reference-Trench Coats are not appropriate club attire OR outerwear when on the way to the club. i mean, wear it (if you must), but please take it off once you have entered the facility and make a bee-line to coat check because it looks very, shall i say, deranged and killer-ish. not to mention, it can be interpreted as a weapon if you are flinging it around while you are doing your leg stretches and high kicks...someone's cornea could be sliced for cryin' out loud!!

and finally (c) the music began to get really good and i made the mistake of looking to the right and my eyes beheld the vision of Brother Cornelius of the deacon board slipping and sliding across the floor in his (very well-broken in) church shoes. now, as he proceeded to do the "george jefferson" shuffle and even the holy ghost dance, i noticed he was really getting into it, hence drawing a crowd. so as we, the observers began to whisper amongst ourselves, a family member of Bro. ended up next to me and i overheard a comment he made to another (presumed) family member. so i asked "you're related to him?" and he said yes, we just left my mom's funeral...that's why he's dressed like that. (1) why do you leave a funeral and go straight to the club? (2) i know he realized people were wondering what was up, but why did he volunteer all of that info? that seemed a little personal and inappropriate to share with random club-goers. and finally (3) why were those church shoes so curled at the toe?





damn i need a pocket size night vision camera!

Prisoner Released!!!

well, since the ransom has been forfeited, one prisoner # 524ME-OW941, toussaint, has been released from his cell by virtue of his own recognizance. (the kitty porn didn't hurt either!!)....ah, but one last thing....




TAKE THIS WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!


CURSE TOUSSAINT AND HIS DANG-
BLASTED SEXINESS!!!! HE DEFLOWERED
THE PURITY THAT MS. JONEZ ONCE
BEHELD.

(we can work out custody and visitation later, no lawyers please
p.s. what do you think about the name LaToussarian?)

I'm Scared of Being Scared, sniffle, sniffle

ok, so yesterday as i watched The Tyra Banks Show, i had a revelation. the topic was people and their phobias.

tyra herself was afraid of dolphins, some lady was afraid of pennies and another was afraid of ketchup. and as it pained me to admit the truth, my epiphany broke free from my naked, shattered heart and i realized that i too, suffer from numerous phobias. tyra and i cried together as i sorted out exactly which ones are going to be the death of me as i know it......i am bearing my soul and sharing that i am afflicted with the following fears:

Slime-blennophobia, Wind-ancraopobia, Teenagers-ephebiphobia, The Figure 8-octophobia, 4+ inch heels-stilettophobia, Dust-amathophobia, Ugliness-cacophobia, Knees-genuphobia, Bald People-peladophobia, Fog-homichlophobia, looking up-anablephobia, Crackheads-crackheadophobia, High Water Pants-tooshortophobia, Long words-hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Infinity-apeirophobia, Scotch Tape-stickyophobia, Chins-geniophobia, and the BIGGEST SHOCKER!!!!!!!!!

The Bogeyman and bogeys-bogeyphobia.

AHHHH...i need therapy. i knew i was a freak....i'm so terrified. this is controlling my life. I NEED, I NEED.....


to stop watching the tyra banks show and surfing the phobia list.

(for those who really do suffer with real phobias, no harm intended)
(p.s. i only made up four of these phobias, the rest are real)

Starr Jonez and Weslee Snipes, or maybe Toussaint?

OMG!!! so i've mentioned my cat starr jonez many a times and for the past month i have been searching for an all black cat (that i would name weslee snipes) to join her at my home where they could live forever in cat harmony...but i have yet to find him yet. but i have found an adopted brother to hold us over and his name is toussaint. he technically belongs to a girl named shawn, but starr and i have abducted him via the blogiverse.....hee hee!! aren't they adorable!??!

Me, My Sista Neva Part, Makee-Daa Daa

WORD OF THE DAY:: aberration n. - the disorder of the mind; deviation from a type or standard.

ok, so i'm minding my own business this morning, trying to head off to the plantation and beat the morning traffic. but as i am attempting to get in the car, my neighbor approaches me and says "goooood mornin sista. i wonda if i can get jump from your car. mine not stahtin." (yes, he has a thick accent) so i paused for about 3 1/2 seconds before i blinked and said "um, NOPE!" and hopped in the ride. what type of aberration was this man suffering from to even approach me like that? or better yet, what type of aberration did he think i might be experiencing to be so gracious to him, a complete stranger who works my last nerve? we aren't friends. and i certainly will not sacrifice being on time and get in trouble with Massa just to help you out...i don't even know your name. you should have that AAA like i do cuz they have that free-standing battery thing that can jump you without having to suck the life from anyone's personal car battery...or at least have a buddy or someone to call that knows you.

now, once i was contently driving away bopping to the morning tunes, i reflected on that brief interaction and said, maybe you were being mean, miss a. maybe you should have let him jump his raggedy piece of car...he might be late for work or whatever. but then i quickly snapped back into reality. first off, just because we are both of the brown persuasion, don't call me "sista" all sweet cuz you need something. when we cross paths on a regular day and your piece of car is working properly, i don't get a "gooood mornin sista" or "hello der sista" or "how are you tooooday sista." but when you need this SISTA and the juice that flows through my ride's pipes, its all pleasant and familial. or maybe when you and your ashy wife and sister are messing up my water pressure taking 20 baths a day, where is your concern for SISTA downstairs? or maybe when you are cooking your buffalo or antelope or zebras making the whole joint smell like a national geographic special, what about poor SISTA's nasal passages and eyes that are burning from the stench? or maybe when SISTA is trying to relax and listen to some jazz and sip some wine and all ya'll decide to have a tribal ceremony complete with drums and bells and ish, causing all types of ruckus and making my poor cat have a heart attack, what about that? you don't think twice about SISTA till ya need something.

BOTTOM LINE, unless your name is celie and we were separated while we skipped through flowers and sang that makee-daa-daa song....or unless you came through the same birth canal that i ventured through, I AIN'T YOUR SISTA!!!!! i hate that convenient sense of community...good luck with that raggedy corolla, though.

Sincerely,
YOUR SISTA

I'm The Queen Bun, hon!!!

i knew that freaky looking "Burger King" was capable of participating in a commercial that didn't give me the creeps.


now while football isn't my thing, i did manage to observe my new favorite commercial during the super bowl.

i'm the queen bun!!!! all the other foodies, get beneath my bun skirt and lay down, beyatches!!!!

click HERE to build your own whopper with the Whopperettes!!!

Nosy Old Coots and Road Rage Don't Mix

so, not too long ago i'm totally minding my OWN business driving along and i decided to take a swig of my drink to moisten the pipes (so i could get my mariah on without straining so hard). i'm sipping and driving, driving and sipping and i notice out of my top notch peripheral side view that i'm being stared at. so i look over and it's someone's old grandmother with her (itty bitty) *ss crouched behind her monstrous wheel.

thoughts that enter my mind:
1. why is this hiefer looking at me instead of the road cuz her enormous car might require a little more tending to than lil' ol' me
2. what is she so intrigued by?
3. why is she staring so long?
4. how much longer will she stare?
5. is she still staring?......damn!...yes, WTF!!

so i take another swig of my drink and look at her again and her eyes widen and her mouth forms that "O" shape liked she's surprised and i give her the WTF look along with a sassy shoulder shrug. this wrinkled hag shakes what used to be her finger at me and gestures as if she's drinking and shakes the x-finger again. then it dawns on me-nosy rosy thinks i am drinking alcohol. chill out hunchback-it's just a stewart's cream soda
i mean, i guess it could be interpreted as a beer to a half-blind miniature old coot across a lane of traffic, but i think she should have had her glaucoma-filled peepers focused elsewhere.........and with the mood i'm in, granny's can catch it too


WATCH THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

@$!#%@^%$!$@$

WORD OF THE DAY:: *ss-hole (n)-someone who really, really sucks. maybe because they cheat, lie, steal, kill, smell bad or something like that. a scumbag, a low-life, a piece of crap.

i awoke this morning feeling kind of pleasant. the dew was fresh. the birds chirped. starr jonez (my cat) was sound asleep. the faintest slice of sunlight peeked through my curtains as i headed to the shower. the ivory soap was new, the water was hot and my neck didn't ache. i got ready and packed starr up for her weekend at granny's and as we headed out of the driveway admiring the paint job done yesterday, !$^%!#@%$@! - DID MY EYES DECEIVE ME!?!?! did i witness a crime dealt against me, the queen mother of all things sweet and just!??!! i dost say-YES!!!!!!!

my *ss-hole neighbors were stealing cable from me!!!! UGH! BARF! CURSES! RATS!!!! i do not handle being wronged well at all. but especially since i reeeeeeeeeeally don't like these people anyways-for they lack any couth, class, or simple home-trainin'. they are loud, trashy, loud, weird, loud, bums and really loud!!!! my eyes boiled, my heart stood still, my stomach churned, and my car went into park-so as to inspect the wires they had attached and scaled up the side into their window. all instincts said cut the wire, just cut the wire!!! then i switched from wanting to do that to wanting to do THIS!

then as starr meowwed me back into reality, i got back into my car and decided to call the cable company. but i'll be damned if that's the extent of my wrath---CURSE THEE YOU WRETCHED THEFTS OF CABLE - THY HAST WAGEST WAR AGAINST ME AND YOU SHANT ESCAPETH PUNISHMENT...NAY I SAY-NAY I SAY!!

i need an excedrin

Are u a Minion!??! I Think I Want One...(i wonder if there will be a sale)

ok, so i decided that i want a minion. i think it would be sooooooo cute to have one to follow me everywhere i go, even if i'm with my man, dress it how i want, and just boss it all around. it would serve as entertainment and i could release some of my stress by screaming at it...perhaps mine will have to be proficient in cooking and car-washing, laundry, photographing me at random moments, singing on demand, modeling my prospective outfits for the day, driving, licking my boots, mopping, building things out of oak, being my footstool when my legs are sore and i need to keep them elevated, picking fresh flowers, dancing jigs, ironing $1 bills, carrying my coattails, reenacting scenes from ROOTS and playing the french horn. then i would upgrade to having 2 of them and when i went out with my man....we'd look kinda like this -

"LOOK TO THE RIGHT, BEYATCHES AND

YOUR LEGS BETTER BE LEFT OVER RIGHT.

CLASP THOSE HANDS!!

DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE !!

MINION #1, HELP MINION #2-YOU KNOW SHE GETS EASILY CONFUSED!!!!""" (thinking: DAYUM!!! i wish i had got them on sale...i'll have to trade them in soon, or maybe just dump them altogether....but not before i drag them all over the place like vacation with my man, dinner with my man, and more games with my man. hmmmm...man, men, men minions-damn i'm the shizz!)

The Way They Were..........

remember these guys!?!?! if you recognize them, you will win their popular cd released in 1992. (see the end to find out who they are)

and while we're on the subject (well, kinda), i am now borderline obsessed with my new love. meet gold-esha.....the newest object of my affection. for 2 G's, this solid gold wonder can take you to new heights in cellular fashion. with dolce & gabbana stamping it, it will surely be the envy of all the other phones.

(that group is SHAI, and if i ev-ever fall in love agaaaaaaaaaiiinnnnnnnn....oh yeah, and you don't really win anything if u guessed correctly, but i doubt u did :-P)

dang, remember when that guy group was the shizz and when cell phones used to just be a way to keep in touch?

i don't, i was just asking.