Friday, June 23, 2006

*sniffle, sniffle*

i regret to inform thee that miss a. has taken a small break from blogging until further notice. feel free to revel in the fond memories shared via "All Things A". reflect on all of the crazy stories and good ol' times had by all and please check back for her update and be well within the blogging kingdom. THANK YOU, MANAGEMENT!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Won't You Take Me To....FUNKYTOWN!?!?!?!

******just to put ya'll regulars on notice...i've been bitten by the revenge bug. last night i went home, put on some lindsay lohan and the yeah, yeah, yeahs, blasted it like crazy and played the drums with my umbrella. it was magical. the walls shook, the floor vibrated. i KNOW i disturbed my neighbors...and this morning, i called them all crackheads outside-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! sweet justice. more of these dumb antics to follow. i tried to show some class, but now, i'll show my ig'nant ass!******

NOW, onto today's post...many of you may not be aware that the "urban" prom goers up here have some sort of twisted take on reality. gone are the days of pretty dresses, normal hairstyles and elegance. gone are common colors, patterns and even body images that look good in said attire. i do believe that the goal is to see how much of your body you can expose for minimal cost regarding material, dress pattern, fashion and TASTE. gone are the sweet and innocent allure of young party-goers just out to have some fun, dance a little and look cute doing it............

i welcome you to ONE of NEW JERSEY'S PROMS, located in Stankville, NJ (get your barf bag ready)

now let me say, this is one of the mildest ones, but ol' girl's dress looks about 2-3 sizes too big. that saggy ruching and cheap rhinestone belly chain thing do NOT go...one or the other. not to mention, one of her nips are about to make a guest appearance.

i won't comment on the orange being that i canot see it completely, but missy in the black-DOUBLE NO to the garter. you are not a pussycat doll, bride or stripper-so what gives?? (i don't know how much truth is in the last occupational reference) but, let me say-I TAKE ISSUE WITH WOMEN WHO FEEL IT'S OKAY TO SHOW THEIR STOMACHS JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A CHANDELIER HANGING FROM IT, REGARDLESS OF THE SHAPE OF SAID STOMACH. there's a little too much pooch going on in el estomago-BOO!!!! let's take another look........

we can see from the side view that there is a little too much protrusion going on-EW!

homey in the back looks like an easter basket exploded on her, but at least she's covered. but miss thang in the front (1) THE EYESHADOW is KILLING me! (2) maybe the double sided tape isn't working cuz i bet she was tugging at that thing all night. she looks uncomfortable (3) is the top even attached to the bottom? what is with all of the rumpling and funkiness around the mid-section!??! (4) doesn't she kinda look like a cracked-out rudy huxtable?

is this supposed to be a tribute to a flag? i take issue with flag-inspired clothing...it just seems so un-original and boring

blue & white dress-PASS! but the shiny yellow thing is priceless. first of all, the boobies are smashed beyond recognition and the slit is too damn high. is there lycra in that!?!?!

i love her confidence, but the dress just screams "look at my cha-cha PLEEEEEASE!" and NO SHE DID NOT have the "ardacity" to have a friggin ruffled train attached...but the best part is the date behind her made to carry the train. that's right people, for the cost of a shotty tux with pimp daddy shoes, you too can have a man servant escort you and your ruffles to the prom!

yet another example of a tummy (and belly button ring) that could have looked better underneath a nice & snug girdle. and might i add, i HATE assymetrical hemlines!-ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love those pink shades and disposable camera tho.

lady in the tan/brown-WTF!!???! did your momma throw the curtains on you as you were walking out the door? lady in the pink/peach-are you ashamed to be seen with curtain girl? or did you realize that your dress is too tight in the boob area and couldn't muster up enough breath for a smile in the pic? and why do you have a gray purse with not a drop of gray in your dress?

WHAT IN THE CRISP HOT HELL TOLD THEM THIS WAS FLY!?!?! and WTF is up with all the white? is it against the rules to wear a regular black tux? now, direct your eyes to the footage area....as much as i hate those damn pimp looking shoes, at least the baby blues look quasi-costly. but the crayola-inspired ones in the middle look like he made them in the garage at the house with peanut n'em in an attempt to be ORIGINAL-bleh! ones on the right...too damn much in the color department. what is that pattern? lord help the babies!!!!

DOUBLE UGH!!! ok, for real, i would be afraid of this girl on a regular day...but this get-up is really frightening. what are the make-shift arm-wraps? those cheap little rhinestone thingies going across her chest look like they are holding on for dear life, and THE COLLAR!!!!!!!!!! what in tarnations told her to put a cruella de-ville collar on that contraption? p.s. i think my cat would have looked better perched on top of her head rather than that pointy mess. HEY!! my cat is white, so she would have matched!

ok, i missed the memo. WITCH COLLARS ARE IN!!! they must be! now, what is up with the extra saggy materialization going on up top? now, if the boobies are flat and saggy that shape doesn't help (i think this is the issue). if they are small and almost non-existent, they look as if they disappeared in all that rufflization. i just hope it's not the flat-and -saggy, cuz a nip might find its way to that peephole in the middle. the waist seems awfully high, but i guess the booty shorts underneath make up for the cooch-shot we get when she walks

ok, neck tats-CHECK! big gaudy (fake) earrings-CHECK! suits that are 4-5 sizes too big-CHECK! counterfeit money printed at peanut's house-CHECK!
hey-at least they're not wearing white!

this here-IS MY FAVORITE!!! let's explore....miss orange dress, someone lied and told you that your body looked cute with THAT much information exposed. did you think that putting some shimmer on your boob holders would distract us all from the thunder action going on down below? my dear, you too, could stand to be suctioned in a little. ma'daam in the middle, did your aunt willona pick out that disco queen pattern you have splayed all over your dress? you actually seem to have a decent body, but the dress has too much action and makes you look frumpy in the middle. and what is that in the middle of your chest-a brooch? a sticker? i can't tell. le' chick on the right-now you KNOW you are wrong for those damn glow-in-the-dark mesh ruffles at the end of your mini-dress. i would be willing to overlook YOUR psychadelic print if you didn't have the pooch-pooch going on also. this whole picture is a bag of skittles gone wild!

now even tho i don't like the colors, this child looks the most normal. is she a visitor? or did she miss the pre-prom committee meeting that said to look crazy at this year's event? i give her props for being brave enough to look like a REGULAR PROM-GOER. (yes, i am ignoring the fact that someone thought it would be cute to dress up lil' man-man and throw him up in the pictures)

i have NEVER in all my days seen so many flattened, smashed, distorted and distressed boobs in my life. and for these ladies to be in high-school, what is up with that? now, i know i can be a little old-fashioned, but i was at my prom less than 10 years ago. have times changed that much? seriously, i cannot understand the method behind these outfits. BOYS AND GIRLS!! everyone looks a fright!!!!!!!!!!

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED YOUR STROLL THRU FUNKYTOWN!!!!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Meet Denny and Kelly..........

I THINK YOU'RE CRAZAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!!!!!!!!! or maybe i'm crazay!


SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!! ok, so ya'll know i live in the jungle with a bunch of wild animals for neighbors. at this point in the game, i would be remiss not to acknowledge the newest additions to the coo-coo family. just for memory's sake, adam, olivia and tashi live upstairs, pablo and margarita live upstairs from them and now, denny and kelly live next door. i knew someone had moved in a few weeks ago, but they were like phantom neighbors at first. i saw a car, but didn't know whose it was. the door would be open, but i never saw who went in or out. well, one fine afternoon as i lay reclining in my living room, i heard it...BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! it's club music. now, at first i thought it was good old margarita, but she plays a lot of hood stuff. this was like techno and club. WTF!?!?! you know i called the cops. but i couldn't see who exactly was producing this noise. see, they were having a apartment-warming i guess, cuz there were mad people going in and out. the cops came, the music subsided, got loud again, called cops again, cops came again, music subsided. ARGH!!!! can anyone with some sense besides myself move in around here? or will i have to just take on every neighbor and their foolishness single-handedly?

dumb question

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED MY F*CKIN' LIGHT!" me and starr baby were awakened by this. we sat up, looked around, laid back down, until "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, FIND MY F*CKIN LIGHT DAMMIT!!!!!! I OUGHTTA GO UPSIDE YOUR F*CKIN HEAD!!!!!! YOU'RE SUCH A B*TCH!" well, let's go investigate. i got out of my bed and realized the new neighbors had their window open, hence the very loud volume. so here we go, basically denny is a 35 year old married man who is pissed at the world and can't understand why kelly won't leave him alone when he gets like this. then to top it all off, she lost his light and he needs to light his weed so he can calm down. yes, i found all of this out because he is screaming it at the top of his lungs. as he walks in circles calling her every name in the book, she just stood there looking terrified. (starr and i had a great view into their window) he walks around shirtless wearing khakis and a blue bandanna on his head. he's got a scruffy beard and looks every bit like trailer trash. she's heavily overdone make-up wise, looks waaaaaaaay younger than him and scared beyond belief. he calls her a few more names and curses her for always asking him "when are we gonna smoke weed. that's all you ever say...now you can't find my f*ckin light". he sits down, lifts two barbells about 6 six times, gets up, paces some more, then finds a matchbook on the desk "behind her stupid papers." i got so caught up in the argument that i forgot to call the cops (my new favorite activity. they are so used to me calling, they gave me the direct number to dispatch so i don't have to get transferred from the desk now-WHOOPEE!!!!). after he lit up, she walked away, he ran after her and who knows what took place......maybe a few slaps and pushes, maybe some hot trailer make-up sex, maybe some mellowing out followed by crack smoking and 40's. nonetheless, i crawled back into bed. i looked up, and my poor cat was so enthralled by these fools, she was stretched up to the window, head poking through the curtains AND blinds still watching.....DAMN SHAME -
when even the animals are entertained by these nuts

maybe me and starr baby will start walking around like this...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Celebrity Ca-Ca

sometimes, i feel like the whole hoopla behind our culture's obsession with celebrities and their lives are um, INSANE!!!!!!! now, i can get with a little celeb dish & dirt every now and then, but some of this mess is just RETARDED!!!

can someone PUH-LEASE tell me WTF is the big deal about angeline jolie and brad pitt's bald headed baby? i mean, they have never been that interesting to me, but i just don't get what the hoopla is about. i was just flipping thru the channels and there was a special on dedicated just to the days leading up to her birth. so my WTF questions are:

1. WTF did they name it shiloh which has one translation as "messiah"? that's doing a wee bit too much

2. why did some baby boutique design a pacifier made of white gold and over 278 diamonds (about 3 karats) for the kid valued around $17K?

3. why is it rumored that a magazine paid over $4 million dollars for pics of this kid?


i'm really not hating, but i don't get it.



next up, jaleel white. have ya'll heard the rumor that he (steve urkel) killed himself? now, i heard the rumor, then i heard it's not true and i hope its not. but for it to be a rumor, this is a very elaborate and ridiculous story and i can' t imagine who would start such a thing...people need to get a life

Jaleel White, who played 'nerdy 'neighbor Steve Urkel on "Family Matters" was found dead Monday. He was 29 years old. White was pronounced dead on arrival after admission to an LA hospital early Monday morning. The death is being investigated as a suicide. Born Jaleel Ahmad White, he began his career at the age of three acting in television commercials, before landing guest spots on shows such as "The Jeffersons" and "Mr. Belvedere." It was in 1989 that White landed the role that would make him famous, playing wacky neighbor 'Steve Urkel' on the ABC program "Family Matters." Following the cancellation of "Family Matters" in 1997, friends claim White became obsessed with the character, and grew despondent, despite further successes as star and producer of the UPN sitcom "Grownups", and as a writer for NBA.com. Neighbor and friend, Bradley Spencer alerted police after hearing what he described as "a loud bang" coming from White's Los Angeles apartment. Authorities state that upon entering the home they discovered a young African-American male with an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Also found was a note, which read simply "Did I do that?", a popular catchphrase from the show. "Jaleel was an uncommonly good man, an exceptional role model and a great comedic actor," said William Bickley, who created the series, and Thomas L. Miller, one of the executive producers, in a joint statement. "We feel privileged to have known him and worked with him. He'll be missed and remembered every day by his many, many friends," they said. Actress Kellie Williams -- Laura Winslow on the series -- described White as a consummate professional actor. "Everyone adored him," she said. "We have all lost a dear, dear brother," said Reginald VelJohnson, who played Carl Winslow. White, an only child, is survived by "cousins, aunts, uncles, and wonderful friends," Bickley said.

now, if this is a lie, this a waaaaaaaaaaay too elaborate of a scam to circulate. NOT COOL! and i hope whoever made this up gets the pants sued off of them. if it is true, then it is a very sad and tragic occurrence and i am sorry to hear it.


Lastly, i'm sure we all "heard" about the Houston rapper who allegedly infected a woman with HIV and was sued for $25 million. THEN it is being rumored that Slim Thug is going around to radio stations and appearances showing people his HIV test results so as to dispel ANY notions that he could be the rapper in question...OK-TOO MUCH!!!!
now, i have NO idea who it could be, but the waving around of test results just looks hella shady to me. i mean, even if people are thinking it's him, so what!?!?! half the stuff we hear isn't accurate anyways. but to carry around a piece of paper to show people is hmmmmmmmm, weird.

for all we know, your boy, lil' stomachache coulda made that up on his computer or something. is it really that deep? i mean, i don't know about ya'll but i carry all medical test results, report cards from grades K thru college, and my cat's birth certificate around in my purse each and every day...don't you? god forbid someone challenge me on the validity of these items and i not be able to prove i'm telling the truth!!!!!


some celebs and celeb hounds REALLY and truly need to GET A LIFE and cut all of this mess out. i must admit tho, it really cracks me up, but DANG! they're still people too. they have regular bald babies, have completely false stories made up and are whores just like regular folks. nonetheless, thanks for the laughs!!!!!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Ghetto L-O-V-E (From A Smilie's POV)


I was reading luvin me’s blog the other day and she posted about an extremely ghetto wedding she attended recently, complete with flowered baby strollers and blue fingernails that matched the blue bridesmaid's dresses (GAG! ). She asked if we had experienced any ghetto wedding adventures and I instantly flashed back to the first wedding I coordinated alone. I was fresh out of college and my first job centered around planning parties, conferences and weddings. I was still learning but had enough knowledge to swing this one alone. A friend of my mother’s had a daughter who was getting married and my mom was going to do the wedding, but she ended up needing surgery and was gonna be bed-ridden so my mom asked me to pick up where she left off. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN this was gonna be a disaster, but I hoped that since we knew each other, things might run a little smoother. WRONG!!!! Problem # 1-the bride wanted a $50,000 wedding with a budget of $500. Problem # 2, the bride AND groom were very “urban” in their taste which directly conflicted with my taste. Problem # 3, I didn't think they could afford what I would have regularly charged. Problem # 4, we were running out of time. I should have exited as soon as I realized these things, but i decided to try to make a wedding out of wackness.

When I first came on the scene, the bride spoke of grand visions, a band, a dj, a nice reception hall, food, wine and fabulous decorations. Once I came up with a very basic proposal, the truth came out….big dreams, little dollars. So I instructed the bride to think a little more practically about what she could afford. Talk about a 180 degree turnaround! First stop, the reception hall. Ms. Bride takes me to a campground she had visited a few years back and we entered what they used as the dining hall. Everything was wooden and ragged. It smelled old and musty and I immediately objected to this facility. The next day, I went to secure a room at the botanical gardens (which was surprisingly cheaper) and told the bride of the great news. She was NOT excited. But I held strong to my objection of Camp Minnie-Wa-Wa. Fight #1 ensued but she reluctantly agreed. NEXT UP, the colors. Now I acknowledge that there are many sentimental reasons behind the colors people choose for their wedding, but PUH-LEASE be reasonable. This was a greek couple…he-a kappa, she-an SGRHo. And they BOTH wanted to incorporate their colors into the wedding. Hmmmmmm, great idea except his are RED and CREAM and hers are ROYAL BLUE and GOLD (gasp!) after what seemed like countless and lengthy deuls, I begged them to throw out at least ONE color, preferably a primary (red or blue). Ms. Bride chucked the blue so we were left with FIRE ENGINE RED, CREAM and GOLD as a color scheme (no comment). NEXT UP, decorations. The bride and groom were crying broke so I went to the bride’s mother who wrote me a whopping check for $200. With this mountain of money I was supposed to decorate the church and reception room. In the back of my mind, I was wondering about music and food, but I figured I’d chill and attack one issue at a time.


As far as the church, I had to go with fake flowers, some ribbon and a few candles. In an effort to save money, the bride suggested I decorate the reception tables with coke cans (red) wrapped in cellophane . I didn’t even ask if she thought they should be empty or full cans before I politely declined her suggestion and said I’d find a more elegant centerpiece. She didn't appreciate my diss, but COME ONE!! coke cans!?!?!?!? Fight # 2 , but I was sticking to my guns. I headed to the glass store and bought oodles of glass bowls with frilled edges. I glued those horrendous colors of red and gold around the top of the bowl and got some glass writing pens. I wrote in calligraphy on each of them, some had their names, some had the wedding date. I filled the glasses up with water and dropped in some red and gold floating candles and voila-centerpieces. I then trekked to the party store (again in my car with my gas) and rented a huge helium pump. I single handedly blew up 300 balloons and strung them all. I got some red and gold do-dads to sprinkle all over the tables, after I bought cream tablecloths of course. At this point, my funds were in the negative. I asked Ms. Bride about the music and she said she’d take care of it. I had no idea of the extent she would handle things until I experienced the madness myself. The night of the rehearsal, I gave everyone their directions, marked their places and ran thru the practice even though about 6 people were missing. It worried me cuz they would be lost the next day, but oh well! Then the groom’s parents informed everyone that we were to head to the local Denny’s for the rehearsal dinner . If anyone deviated from the pre-fixed menu, they would be responsible for their own meal. So either you licked up your salisbury steak, country fried chicken or chicken fried steak OR you might find yourself outside of the wedding circle. The thought alone made me nauseous, so I skipped the dinner and went back to tying up the few loose ends before the big day.

That morning, I was scurrying around, dressing kids, ironing veils, looking for breath mints (cuz the bride's breath was on FIYAH!) then IT happened. The time came to start walking down the aisle and I was knocked off balance by a sound I had never heard before. Was someone drowning a family of cats? Perhaps someone was scratching a chalkboard repeatedly? I peered through the door and tucked away in the left corner was a small group of 4th graders. See, the bride and groom were teachers. The bride borrowed a few of her students who were just learning how to play their instruments to provide the ambience for her ceremony. Too bad they had only mastered their instruments for about 2 weeks…yet in still, I shooed everyone down the aisle to the dying kitty cat remix of the wedding march, including the bride’s drunk brother who had to carry the too-young ring bearer/his son who was screaming bloody murder. I then hot-tailed it to the garden to start lighting the candles and inquiring about the reception music. This is when I found out they got another friend to cater some finger foods. There was pasta salad, regular salad, wing-dings, meatballs and cheese. There wasn’t a drop of liquor in the place. I helped the cake lady assemble the cake and in came the crowd. I noticed the bride’s extremely strange sister carrying her stereo, but I ignored it for the moment and made the proper introductions. After that, I got bombarded by the bride’s sorority sister who wanted to sing a song to her and I told her I would squeeze her in at the appropriate time. After all, I had a program to follow. She ran to the bride and told on me (so you know I was hot) but I STILL made her wait until I had done my parts. Fight # 3 The bride starts crying and Sorority sister just stands there like she expected me to hand her the mic...but i just made up some stuff to say so i could keep holding onto it. Then the bride’s sister took the mic, sat it by her radio and played her own personal music collection-first song – “nobody needs nobody” by playa fly, a local Memphis artist. I tried to get a snippet of the song so you could understand how horrific of a choice it was...but i couldn't. so just revel in the picture of playa fly and the chorus of the song which goes "nobody needs nobody. all i need is me and my dog nigga, so f*ck all of ya'll niggas"

I damn near died!!!!! And YES! the bride and groom were out there hunching to this song. I just stood there clutching my pearls as I noticed that some of the groom’s frat brothers were complaining about the choice of drinks. Well, the bride’s alcoholic brother took off to the store and returned with a few boxes of wine. Yes-BOXES of wine! I had had about enough at this point. I went and told the bride she looked lovely (forgive me Lord for lying), said a few goodbyes and BOUNCED!!!!!

And you know what, no one even told me thank you for any of the work I did. i mean, i didn't need a parade. Some simple songs of praise, bowing and flower throwing would have sufficed.
I didn't get a thank you card OR call and surely not a small monetary offering even after the dust had settled...but it sure was a good laugh!!!!!!!!


Monday, June 05, 2006

You Make Me Sick, You Fat Hairy Piece of Dog Poo!

well peoples, the time has come to update you all on my living situation. as you know, i live in a crazy environment. it goes without saying that i am the only sane person living there and have had nothing but problems since i moved in. now, let's track back so you can understand why i'm having problems now. when i moved in, no one had lived there. it was a renovated place and it seemed cool. NOT SO!!! once i moved in, i realized that my slumlord was conducting renovations upstairs from me which equaled many early mornings and late nights of banging, knocking, hammering, sawing, yelling, etc. for the first four months, i had NO peace. during these first few months, i called my slumlord a lot to complain because these workers were getting comfortable picking crazy hours to work. i figured he was tired of me complaining, but i was always nice and hey, i paid my rent, i deserved a LITTLE quiet, at least at seven in the morning. well, thanksgiving rolls around. i go to detroit for the weekend. on thanksgiving day i get a call from slumlord. guess what? a mexican fell through my ceiling into my kitchen! i had A FIT!!!!!!!!!!!! my cat was there alone, so i knew she was freaking out and i could only imagine what the place looked like. god forbid i had company for thanksgiving...it would have been ruined. but i was so pissed, because slumlord picked up random immigrants and paid them pennies to do work around there. well, what happens when you don't get professionals? it's raining immigrants!!!!!!!!!! i sent someone over there to check on the place and report the condition cuz slumlord was playing it down, making it seem like no big deal. the report was not good. my entire kitchen and living room had been covered in a thick dust blanket. slumlord said he'd get his (immigrant) wife to clean up...but when i returned, i could tell she only did a surface clean. ya'll know what that is...just wiping the front and top of things. but the dust was so thick, it was inside the cabinets, in every nook and cranny, even covering the walls and lastly-MY POOR CAT!!! she was a funky beige-gray. my cat is white as the driven snow. just to touch her set off a dust cloud. i was LIVID!! i demanded that he reimburse me to have my place PROFESSIONALLY cleaned and for my cat to be groomed. he reluctantly agreed. i couldn't stay there for a while cuz i couldn't breathe in that much dust due to my own conditions.

here comes new year's. i had 3 friends come visit from down south. we had a whole weekend planned for fun. well, little did i know that adam, olivia and tashi picked this same time to move in. and how did i find out? in the wee hours of the morning when we were on our way back home from the club. i couldn't pull in to park because adam had wedged his too damn big moving truck in the entryway and couldn't get it out. he had his car hitched to the back so that made it difficult to move. well, my issue is that i do not park my car on the street. i HAVE a parking space and i wanted to get to it. well after waiting an hour or so, they got the damn truck out of the way, but i was pissed cuz we needed to be asleep due to our very hectic plans. the next day we go out, come back and the same thing again....the damn truck!!! at this point, i called my people to come over and cuss out slumlord cuz i'm like-how are you allowing people to just come and do what they want and inconvenience everyone else. i don't do stuff like that. you have other tenants here who have things going on and don't have time for this, etc. nonetheless, there was a small melee outside and finally the truck was moved. for the next few months, pablo and margarita decided to make their presence known. this is when i really started to witness their foolishness. they started playing "gasolina" 77 times in a row and margarita must have lost her cell phone because she took to hollering out of the window at pablo on a frequent basis. i made several complaints against their noise but most times, they continued to be loud. i continued to complain to slumlord but he rarely did anything.

enter water problems. now, i had not had issues with the water until adam and company moved in. i swear they took about 7 showers a day-EACH. maybe they did so cuz they weren't used to having showers? i don't know...but whatever the case, they were always running the water! i tried to time them and use the water when they weren't but i was like-WTF!!! i pay my rent. i should be able to use my water when i want. freak this! well, the day came when i had somewhere to go and i was washing my hair. with soap in my hair, the water turned ice cold and slowed to a trickle. WTF!?!?!?!?! i called slumlord and he pretty much dismissed me saying there was nothing he could do about it. ok, well i called someone who could do something-THE CITY!!!! two hours later, the city had tested the water which was STILL 40 degrees colder than it should have been because slumlord is running too many apartments off of a water heater thats too small. my plans were ruined and i was pissed. i figured he would be pissed at me for calling them but i had to show him i was not the one to mess with. i had been very agreeable and nice...to the point where he felt like he didn't have to address me or take me seriously.

well, payback time has arrived. my lease is up and he arrives with a new lease that is CRAZAY!!!!! he was offering me a lease to stay there but it would cost me about $200 more dollars after he finished instituting his changes. i was outraged. i figured he was doing this to make me say i would leave because the lease was completely lop-sided. well, long story short....i agreed to leave but he wanted to me to commit to leaving in 30 days. WHY THE F*CK AM I BEING RUSHED OUT!?!?! you have crackheads upstairs, africans who use up the utilities like there is no tomorrow and me. truth be told, he doesn't like me because i do not allow him to be the slumlord he truly wants to be. whereas the other people are pretty low-class and don't care about much, i am like-um, fix this, do that, this is wrong, too loud, too this, too that, blah blah blah! i just had to call the cops on some folks playing their music too loud yesterday! come to find out, he had advertised for the apartment and none of the proposed changes are going to take place once i'm out- basically, he tricked me into believing that if i stayed, i would have to pay out the *ss. since he knew i wouldn't stand for that, i agreed to leave. but he never intended on making these changes. he knows me well enough to know i would leave and he could do whatever after i was gone. can you believe that after all of the madness that i have endured, i, ME, MISS FAB-U-LOUS F*CKING A is being treated this way? for now, i have to resist the urge to have someone whoop his ass, slash his tires, or spraypaint his van. or maybe even abduct him, hogtie him and drag him into the woods and make him listen to gasolina over and over while immigrants blew sawdust in his face repeatedly, let shampoo drip into his eyes burning him until he goes blind and then spray him with cold water until he begs for mercy. for now, i'll try to stick to the legal tricks and resist the temptation that would soothe my mind.

well, enter lawyers, and my team of people who are plotting our revenge...................stay tuned to find out what happens next!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Tagged & Bagged....SoWise, you rascal!

as i was doing my reads in blogland....i realized i was tagged by SoWise (i really ain't mad cuz i am so cranky and in a mad funk this morning and didn't feel like posting about the drama...maybe monday for that-anyhoos)

my answers are as follows:


Keep it Real...

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?

i would be some type of mega-star. doesn't matter what kind, i'd act (i'd need the bomb coach), i'd sing (i could get some good producers), or if i lost about 50 pounds, i'd be a model since i'm so tall...anything that would keep me in the paparazzi's lenses

2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?

our president, all rappers that have diamonds in their mouths, beyonce (i'm tired of her hogging the spotlight and stealing kelly's shine), elvis presley for being a thief, kobe bryant-no explanations needed, lil jon for never getting a shave and haircut, carinne stefans (superhead) for being superhead, kimora lee simmons for thinking she is so damn fabulous but really she's a ghetto hoodrat that stumbled into money, that football player that gave that groupie herpes-i think his name is michael or randy vik, nick cannon for trying to be a rapper, whitney houston for shattering the voice and talent she once had by becoming the world's most famous crackhead, all rappers and sports players that have cornrows-LET THEM DIE LIKE THE JHERI CURL-PLEASE!, naomi campbell for having anger issues and for assaulting someone i know, diddy for doing that damn pro-active solutions commercial for a hairbump on his cheek AND last but not least, maxwell for taking so long to come out with another album

3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?

to move into my current place

4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.

easy-sex

5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor? Ladies, nice tits & azz or common sense?

titties eventually sag and asses spread and/or dimple, so i'll take the smarts

6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?

The L-she drinks hen-dog like a champ and has a smart mouth

7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don't defer to your current signif other either. Infidelity won't count against you. Duh.)

Shawn-he's just so sarcastic and funny...i'd hurt myself laughing and cooning with him

8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?

jill scott-vol. 1,
my stevie wonder box set,
prince greatest hits,
erykah badu-mama's gun,
donny hathaway live or greatest hits AND
eric roberson fused into one cd (the vault 1.5 and esoteric movement)-SO WHAT!!! i cheated and i don't care

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?

creepy question-PASS!

10. What's your biggest insecurity?

hmmmm....i don't know.

11.What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them?

suezette...mine are saved in alphabetical order and her address starts with ...., which comes before "a"

12. When's the last time you peed your pants?

i do it in my dreams all the time, but in real life, i can't remember. my cousin taught me how to go on the side of the road, so i just go if i can't wait to get to the appropriate facilities


13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?

DEFINITELY the first paycheck...i felt so accomplished. first kiss was a disaster and he made me feel like the amateur i was

14. Do you have kids? Want Kids?

i have one daughter, her name is starr baby.

i want 2-5 others in life...perhaps they'll be human

15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?

first off, i would never get a ride from him...but let's just say i did...it depends on the reward they offered for information. it would have to be at least 4 figures upwards of 5K for me to snitch. the community outpour would provide the midget's fam with christmas presents.

16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?

eyebrows, i could draw them on

17. What makes you angry?

stupid silly chicks, most rappers and rap songs, my slumlord, people who listen but don't hear, bad drivers

18. What makes you horny?

storms, cheeseburgers with everything on it & crocodile skin luggage

19. What makes you nervous?

large groups or random strange-looking inner city people, that includes all ethnicities-yeah, i said it! when you've been robbed and seen crimes committed in your face, you tend to be leary.

20. What makes you smile?

puppies and cats, good food, good music, fresh flowers, sweet text messages, chocolate, justice, shoes, nice old people, & surprises

if you want, answer these on your page too!