Ghetto L-O-V-E (From A Smilie's POV)

I was reading luvin me’s blog the other day and she posted about an extremely ghetto wedding she attended recently, complete with flowered baby strollers and blue fingernails that matched the blue bridesmaid's dresses (GAG! ). She asked if we had experienced any ghetto wedding adventures and I instantly flashed back to the first wedding I coordinated alone. I was fresh out of college and my first job centered around planning parties, conferences and weddings. I was still learning but had enough knowledge to swing this one alone. A friend of my mother’s had a daughter who was getting married and my mom was going to do the wedding, but she ended up needing surgery and was gonna be bed-ridden so my mom asked me to pick up where she left off. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN this was gonna be a disaster, but I hoped that since we knew each other, things might run a little smoother. WRONG!!!! Problem # 1-the bride wanted a $50,000 wedding with a budget of $500. Problem # 2, the bride AND groom were very “urban” in their taste which directly conflicted with my taste. Problem # 3, I didn't think they could afford what I would have regularly charged. Problem # 4, we were running out of time. I should have exited as soon as I realized these things, but i decided to try to make a wedding out of wackness.

When I first came on the scene, the bride spoke of grand visions, a band, a dj, a nice reception hall, food, wine and fabulous decorations. Once I came up with a very basic proposal, the truth came out….big dreams, little dollars. So I instructed the bride to think a little more practically about what she could afford. Talk about a 180 degree turnaround! First stop, the reception hall. Ms. Bride takes me to a campground she had visited a few years back and we entered what they used as the dining hall. Everything was wooden and ragged. It smelled old and musty and I immediately objected to this facility. The next day, I went to secure a room at the botanical gardens (which was surprisingly cheaper) and told the bride of the great news. She was NOT excited. But I held strong to my objection of Camp Minnie-Wa-Wa. Fight #1 ensued but she reluctantly agreed. NEXT UP, the colors. Now I acknowledge that there are many sentimental reasons behind the colors people choose for their wedding, but PUH-LEASE be reasonable. This was a greek couple…he-a kappa, she-an SGRHo. And they BOTH wanted to incorporate their colors into the wedding. Hmmmmmm, great idea except his are RED and CREAM and hers are ROYAL BLUE and GOLD (gasp!) after what seemed like countless and lengthy deuls, I begged them to throw out at least ONE color, preferably a primary (red or blue). Ms. Bride chucked the blue so we were left with FIRE ENGINE RED, CREAM and GOLD as a color scheme (no comment). NEXT UP, decorations. The bride and groom were crying broke so I went to the bride’s mother who wrote me a whopping check for $200. With this mountain of money I was supposed to decorate the church and reception room. In the back of my mind, I was wondering about music and food, but I figured I’d chill and attack one issue at a time.

As far as the church, I had to go with fake flowers, some ribbon and a few candles. In an effort to save money, the bride suggested I decorate the reception tables with coke cans (red) wrapped in cellophane . I didn’t even ask if she thought they should be empty or full cans before I politely declined her suggestion and said I’d find a more elegant centerpiece. She didn't appreciate my diss, but COME ONE!! coke cans!?!?!?!? Fight # 2 , but I was sticking to my guns. I headed to the glass store and bought oodles of glass bowls with frilled edges. I glued those horrendous colors of red and gold around the top of the bowl and got some glass writing pens. I wrote in calligraphy on each of them, some had their names, some had the wedding date. I filled the glasses up with water and dropped in some red and gold floating candles and voila-centerpieces. I then trekked to the party store (again in my car with my gas) and rented a huge helium pump. I single handedly blew up 300 balloons and strung them all. I got some red and gold do-dads to sprinkle all over the tables, after I bought cream tablecloths of course. At this point, my funds were in the negative. I asked Ms. Bride about the music and she said she’d take care of it. I had no idea of the extent she would handle things until I experienced the madness myself. The night of the rehearsal, I gave everyone their directions, marked their places and ran thru the practice even though about 6 people were missing. It worried me cuz they would be lost the next day, but oh well! Then the groom’s parents informed everyone that we were to head to the local Denny’s for the rehearsal dinner . If anyone deviated from the pre-fixed menu, they would be responsible for their own meal. So either you licked up your salisbury steak, country fried chicken or chicken fried steak OR you might find yourself outside of the wedding circle. The thought alone made me nauseous, so I skipped the dinner and went back to tying up the few loose ends before the big day.

That morning, I was scurrying around, dressing kids, ironing veils, looking for breath mints (cuz the bride's breath was on FIYAH!) then IT happened. The time came to start walking down the aisle and I was knocked off balance by a sound I had never heard before. Was someone drowning a family of cats? Perhaps someone was scratching a chalkboard repeatedly? I peered through the door and tucked away in the left corner was a small group of 4th graders. See, the bride and groom were teachers. The bride borrowed a few of her students who were just learning how to play their instruments to provide the ambience for her ceremony. Too bad they had only mastered their instruments for about 2 weeks…yet in still, I shooed everyone down the aisle to the dying kitty cat remix of the wedding march, including the bride’s drunk brother who had to carry the too-young ring bearer/his son who was screaming bloody murder. I then hot-tailed it to the garden to start lighting the candles and inquiring about the reception music. This is when I found out they got another friend to cater some finger foods. There was pasta salad, regular salad, wing-dings, meatballs and cheese. There wasn’t a drop of liquor in the place. I helped the cake lady assemble the cake and in came the crowd. I noticed the bride’s extremely strange sister carrying her stereo, but I ignored it for the moment and made the proper introductions. After that, I got bombarded by the bride’s sorority sister who wanted to sing a song to her and I told her I would squeeze her in at the appropriate time. After all, I had a program to follow. She ran to the bride and told on me (so you know I was hot) but I STILL made her wait until I had done my parts. Fight # 3 The bride starts crying and Sorority sister just stands there like she expected me to hand her the mic...but i just made up some stuff to say so i could keep holding onto it. Then the bride’s sister took the mic, sat it by her radio and played her own personal music collection-first song – “nobody needs nobody” by playa fly, a local Memphis artist. I tried to get a snippet of the song so you could understand how horrific of a choice it was...but i couldn't. so just revel in the picture of playa fly and the chorus of the song which goes "nobody needs nobody. all i need is me and my dog nigga, so f*ck all of ya'll niggas"

I damn near died!!!!! And YES! the bride and groom were out there hunching to this song. I just stood there clutching my pearls as I noticed that some of the groom’s frat brothers were complaining about the choice of drinks. Well, the bride’s alcoholic brother took off to the store and returned with a few boxes of wine. Yes-BOXES of wine! I had had about enough at this point. I went and told the bride she looked lovely (forgive me Lord for lying), said a few goodbyes and BOUNCED!!!!!

And you know what, no one even told me thank you for any of the work I did. i mean, i didn't need a parade. Some simple songs of praise, bowing and flower throwing would have sufficed. I didn't get a thank you card OR call and surely not a small monetary offering even after the dust had settled...but it sure was a good laugh!!!!!!!!