Tuesday, August 29, 2006

All Good Things.....

well, i will agree with you all before i even say my piece - i stink!

i must take a leave of absence as prescribed by my doctor, so this here blog is one of the things that will suffer. it stinks, but it's true. i've had so much fun doing this blog and was looking forward to getting back on track, but i must do what i must do. thank all of you guys for your support and readership all this time.


mrs. a

Monday, August 21, 2006

Aw, Freak it!!!

was gonna do a real post....

computer ate it up....

so, freak it....

just make sure you watch spike lee's documentary on hurricane katrina "when the levees broke" tonight on HBO

Monday, August 14, 2006

Where's the Justice?

ok, so you guys remember the craziness that i had to endure at my old apartment, right? well, today's post is dedicated to the slimy piece of crap known as my ex-slumlord. for remembrance's sake, he was trying to rush me out of the apartment cuz he didn't like me. he offered me a lop-sided lease KNOWING i would object to it and leave which is what i did..................but there's more

ok, so after i had my lawyer serve him a letter stating how i relaized his antics were all in retaliation for personally disliking me and calling the city on him (when he ignored my water complaint), he got real scared, almost like a little puppy dog. he called me wanting to "negotiate." he requested that we not get lawyers involved and he then offered me the same type of lease he was advertising for instead of the crazy lease he offered me with almost $200 in extras that he just made up to screw me over. well, needless to say, i was not interested in making any deals with him to stay there since he made it painstakingly clear what type of dude he is. BUT, i did have a few requests in exchange for calling my lawyer off. 1-he needed to make up his mind and put in writing what he wanted to do about the construction i did in the apartment b/c the original agreement was that i return the apartment to its original condition when i leave, but when he was showing it to prospective tenants, he was offering it to them as if it was gonna stay. AND if he wanted it, he had to pay me for the materials it cost to build it. 2-i wanted US to do a walk-thru of the apartment together and have him sign off on the condition in front of me cuz i didn't trust him to do it after i left cuz he was liable to say i had a donkey hanging from a hole in the ceiling and find ways to subtract from my security deposit AND LASTLY, i wanted my security IN FULL on the day i was leaving instead waiting the 30 days that landlords are entitled to take when returning it. why? same reason as #2, i didn't trust him to return it to me IN FULL after i left cuz once i did my part of the deal, i KNEW he would try to find ways to not give me my money.

WELL, peoples, he agreed very willingly to these terms as long as i left and stopped the lawyer action. i still didn't trust him so i put it all on paper and asked him to sign it. he practically ran for the hills, saying there was no need to sign anything, we had an agreement, blah blah blah-it's all good. you can see where i'm going with this, OF COURSE when the day comes to do the walk thru, he forgets he has to work late and can't do it. on the day i was leaving and was to get my money, he finds issues with the apartment that would come from my security. ISSUE # 1-he claimed i put multiple holes in the walls. PEOPLE, i had approximately 6 nail size holes from which i hung pics and shelves WHICH were filled, sanded and painted over...so technically there were no more holes, but he claims the filling was done incorrectly and would have to be redone. it cost less then 15 dollars (materials from home depot) to do this but he claimed it would cost approx. $150 for him to have a professional come in and redo it. you know i was livid!!!! not to mention, who did he think was stupid? i knew good and well, that A) he wasn't gonna redo them, but even if he did B) he was gonna call chi-chi or nacho n'em to do it, give them $20 and a beer and call it a day, just like he did when the mexican fell thru my roof while installing pipes upstairs. ISSUE # 2-he claims the carpets were dirty. LAWD HELP ME!!!! the carpets were IMMACULATE!! i did not allow people to even walk on my carpets with shoes on. the issue with the carpet was that he installed the absolute CHEAPEST carpet made, so it was the kind that made big knitty balls when you walked across it/slid something across it. well, i busted TWO vacuum cleaners trying to get the knitty balls up, but you really needed a super industrial/professional joint because those big clump-balls would mess up the machines. so the carpets were fine, they just needed a good vacuum which i tried, but refused to do anymore after wasting money on two machines. long story short, he gave me not one red dime and i was pissed to high hell!!!

i refused to leave and said that since he was such a liar, i was gonna stay. i had done everything i agreed to do and he did nothing, so i was gonna squat in the apartment. he then said, if i left then, he would get back to me within a couple of days with the estimate for the walls and i could see the receipts from the workers and he would return the rest of my security after that, NOT taking the 30 days he technically had to return it to me. THAT WAS JUNE 27. i did not hear from him until JULY 22 when he left me a voicemail asking for my address to mail me my deposit. now you know i was like-what happened to the estimates? how much did it cost? how much are you trying to send? this was what i was trying to avoid, because he just wanted my address to mail me whatever. could have been $700, $500, or $50 for all i knew. but i was owed over a grand, so i was like-HOLD UP!!!! what amount are you sending? he refused to answer me. he told me he would not argue with me, that he was at work, and that was that. well, to protect myself, i gave him the address, but prepared for the BS i knew was brewing...........but i was NOT prepared for this......

i opened the envelope mailed to me bracing to see a check for a couple hundred dollars inside, instead this fool sent me a letter explaining that he not only withheld ALL OF MY SECURITY, but made up a laundry list of things and then said i owed him almost $1100 in addition to my full security-HA!!!!!!!!!!! i damn near fainted. but after my tirade, ya know i called up the lawyer and onward we march to justice.

i swear, i never knew some people could be so evil and deceitful!!! BTW, he said $400 of the money went to damages, $100 for the carpets that only needed vacuuming and $300 for the 6 nail holes. SIX NAIL SIZED HOLES COST $300 and i'm supposed to believe that!?!?!?! what an idiot. when he gets done, he'll regret the day he EVER thought he could screw me like my name was stanley! hate me or love me, i WILL teach him a lesson he'll never forget


Monday, August 07, 2006

From Miss A. to Mrs. A................

UPDATE:::dear bloggies, i have been nominated by my homie shawn for "best humor blog" at the blackweblog awards
RULES: Only one ballot can be submitted per person. You can only enter one website in each field in the nomination form. If you feel a website can qualify for more than one category, feel free to submit it for several categories. However, you can only submit one website for each field. Think of it like a presidential election...except with no hanging chads or faulty Diebold machines.

You must have a valid e-mail address to submit a ballot. Your information will not be used in any other way except for ballot tabulation, but fake and "anti-spam" addresses will not be accepted. Actually, the form will take them, but those ballots will be deleted.

i know i have slacked on my wacky stories, but if you can remember blogs from the day of yore that made you chuckle and feel like voting, that would be great!
thanx peoples!

Blog fam!! I’ve missed you so…..and judging from today’s title, I’m sure you have pieced together the reason behind my recent hiatus – that’s right people, all the while I was gone, I was finishing up my wedding plans and preparing for the big day. Let me provide my disclaimer:
I did not blog about my upcoming nuptials just in case I had a runaway groom on my hands OR if he would get to the altar and change his mind (wink!)
Anyhoos, since he didn’t pull a Houdini on me, I can share a few snippets from that day...but first, some background.

We had planned to have an intimate garden ceremony a la adam & eve. Then the idea came about to throw a little p. diddy in the mix and make it an all white affair-meaning everyone wear white-EVERYONE! I thought that since it would be outside amongst all of the rich foliage and garden colors, it would look crisp, fresh and classic. Enter issue # 1: now I know some people may not have attended affairs with color schemes/requirements before, but you wouldn’t believe some of the confusion that erupted from this request. I found myself having to actually call people 3-4 times just to reinforce what was meant cuz some people still thought all white meant some white with whatever other color I want to wear….so towards the end, my speech was “all white, not white pants with a pink shirt, not blue pants with a white shirt and not a white dress with green flowers….ALL WHITE. The only thing that can be non-white are shoes and accessories.” It seemed very elementary, but folks were really planning on throwing their personal spice into their outfits and ya’ll know I was not having it! i was really frustrated cuz it's summer so white is everywhere and it was gonna be outside, so people just needed to get something comfortable, nothing too extravagant or crazy with sequins and glitter, cuz wasn't nobody looking at the audience anyways :-P but you woulda thunk i asked people to dust off the armani and buy some new gucci....le sigh! Enter issue #2: weather. With outdoor weddings, you always play russian roulette and hope for the best. The Saturday before, there was non-stop rain so I was like-cool! Its highly unlikely that it would rain 2 Saturdays in a row, right? WRONG! The weather reports were saying that it was going to rain Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday. YIKES!!! Of course I was on pins and needles because my whole vision would have been flushed down the crapper if it rained. There would be no lush green background to absorb all of the fabulous white outfits. No fresh flowers peeking along the garden, no room for our guests (cuz the backup location was small), and no happy bride cuz a lot of the décor was for outside use only. Then during the week, the weather report changed, saying it would rain thursday, friday, and sunday, but skipping saturday. This made me even more nervous, cuz why was saturday gonna get skipped like that. And I mean-they were predicting serious thunderstorms, so my nerves were a frayed mess until I woke up saturday morning to not only bright sunshine, but 100 degree heat and unbearable humidity. But I did NOT complain, cuz at least it wasn’t raining. But I must digress, cuz there was a travel fiasco. My maid of honor was scheduled to come in Thursday evening at 10:30 pm. But due to the impending thunderstorms (that never happened that night) her flight was cancelled. So here we go…on a wild goose chase to figure out what to do. They were trying to get her on a flight the next day, but that would have been a mess, cuz it was supposed to storm again, so what if they cancelled that flight? Plus, we had too much to do and I needed her there that night. So they put her on another airline which brought her into laguardia, the most god-awful airport known to man, almost 1 ½ hours from me, arriving at the eye-popping hour of 2:00 AM. ya’ll know I was a wreck. Here I am with my mapquest, driving in the dead of night/morn with my other out-of-town bridesmaid fighting that crazy ny traffic. But alas, she got here and we laid our heads to rest around 4 am. The next day was sheer pandemonium….the whole day was spent tying up loose ends, ripping and running, ending the day with rehearsal and dinner. Well, one bridesmaid got stuck in Brooklyn and missed the rehearsal by the skin of her teeth, we got separated on our way to dinner and half the folks got lost and I ended up tired and cranky by the end of the night. But do ya think I rested? Oh no….me and the MOH still had things to do, so we got to sleep sometime around 1:30. ok, so its wedding day and it’s the ball crack of dawn and time for hair-BOO! I am sooooo not a morning person, especially when I didn’t get my normal ten hours of sleep and when it’s one skillion degrees…but oh well. All day was crazy, hair flying everywhere, makeup being thrown around, nails and toes being slung in different directions….but all came together.

Until dun, dun duuuuuuuun, as I was getting ready upstairs, I had a perfect view of guests as they arrived, so ya’ll know I was peeping their outfits. Well, all was well, until what did my eyes witness? PEACH!?!?!?! Through the bushes and o’er the trees and I peeped the faintest hint of peach. So I’m like- who in the fresh hot hell is stepping up in this piece in peach? Who is peach-in-the-bush? Who the freak is peach-in-the-bush!?!?!?! I didn’t even know this chick, which angered me more, so I sent hubby on a mission to remedy the issue cuz I had sista on the first thing smoking away from my wedding ceremony. Another guest ended up having to take her shopping in a strange and unfamiliar town for something all white cuz she was the ONLY one who showed up bucking the system. In all truth, it was her date’s fault (a member of the wedding party-gasp!) for not making sure she was tight, but I didn’t care cuz I meant business about the white. In the end, that day couldn’t have been more perfect……….

the wedding party

me and pops

being all serious (and fabulous)

getting our prayer on

it's official!

me & lil' bro

gettin' our ghetto on!!



after night-fall

super cheese face!

thanks guys for being patient with me...............I'm BAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

*Update from Management*

Miss A. will be returning to the blogiverse on August 7, 2006. Thank you for your patronage and funny comments!


p.s. the current video "scream" is dedicated to all of the fellow bloggers who have supported "All Things A......." over the months. the authoress of this blog misses all of you and the jollies shared between you and know that she screams once a day at 9:00 EST........cuz she misses writing about her crazy adventures and sharing them with all of you!

Get your own countdown at BlingyBlob.com

Friday, June 23, 2006

*sniffle, sniffle*

i regret to inform thee that miss a. has taken a small break from blogging until further notice. feel free to revel in the fond memories shared via "All Things A". reflect on all of the crazy stories and good ol' times had by all and please check back for her update and be well within the blogging kingdom. THANK YOU, MANAGEMENT!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Won't You Take Me To....FUNKYTOWN!?!?!?!

******just to put ya'll regulars on notice...i've been bitten by the revenge bug. last night i went home, put on some lindsay lohan and the yeah, yeah, yeahs, blasted it like crazy and played the drums with my umbrella. it was magical. the walls shook, the floor vibrated. i KNOW i disturbed my neighbors...and this morning, i called them all crackheads outside-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! sweet justice. more of these dumb antics to follow. i tried to show some class, but now, i'll show my ig'nant ass!******

NOW, onto today's post...many of you may not be aware that the "urban" prom goers up here have some sort of twisted take on reality. gone are the days of pretty dresses, normal hairstyles and elegance. gone are common colors, patterns and even body images that look good in said attire. i do believe that the goal is to see how much of your body you can expose for minimal cost regarding material, dress pattern, fashion and TASTE. gone are the sweet and innocent allure of young party-goers just out to have some fun, dance a little and look cute doing it............

i welcome you to ONE of NEW JERSEY'S PROMS, located in Stankville, NJ (get your barf bag ready)

now let me say, this is one of the mildest ones, but ol' girl's dress looks about 2-3 sizes too big. that saggy ruching and cheap rhinestone belly chain thing do NOT go...one or the other. not to mention, one of her nips are about to make a guest appearance.

i won't comment on the orange being that i canot see it completely, but missy in the black-DOUBLE NO to the garter. you are not a pussycat doll, bride or stripper-so what gives?? (i don't know how much truth is in the last occupational reference) but, let me say-I TAKE ISSUE WITH WOMEN WHO FEEL IT'S OKAY TO SHOW THEIR STOMACHS JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A CHANDELIER HANGING FROM IT, REGARDLESS OF THE SHAPE OF SAID STOMACH. there's a little too much pooch going on in el estomago-BOO!!!! let's take another look........

we can see from the side view that there is a little too much protrusion going on-EW!

homey in the back looks like an easter basket exploded on her, but at least she's covered. but miss thang in the front (1) THE EYESHADOW is KILLING me! (2) maybe the double sided tape isn't working cuz i bet she was tugging at that thing all night. she looks uncomfortable (3) is the top even attached to the bottom? what is with all of the rumpling and funkiness around the mid-section!??! (4) doesn't she kinda look like a cracked-out rudy huxtable?

is this supposed to be a tribute to a flag? i take issue with flag-inspired clothing...it just seems so un-original and boring

blue & white dress-PASS! but the shiny yellow thing is priceless. first of all, the boobies are smashed beyond recognition and the slit is too damn high. is there lycra in that!?!?!

i love her confidence, but the dress just screams "look at my cha-cha PLEEEEEASE!" and NO SHE DID NOT have the "ardacity" to have a friggin ruffled train attached...but the best part is the date behind her made to carry the train. that's right people, for the cost of a shotty tux with pimp daddy shoes, you too can have a man servant escort you and your ruffles to the prom!

yet another example of a tummy (and belly button ring) that could have looked better underneath a nice & snug girdle. and might i add, i HATE assymetrical hemlines!-ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love those pink shades and disposable camera tho.

lady in the tan/brown-WTF!!???! did your momma throw the curtains on you as you were walking out the door? lady in the pink/peach-are you ashamed to be seen with curtain girl? or did you realize that your dress is too tight in the boob area and couldn't muster up enough breath for a smile in the pic? and why do you have a gray purse with not a drop of gray in your dress?

WHAT IN THE CRISP HOT HELL TOLD THEM THIS WAS FLY!?!?! and WTF is up with all the white? is it against the rules to wear a regular black tux? now, direct your eyes to the footage area....as much as i hate those damn pimp looking shoes, at least the baby blues look quasi-costly. but the crayola-inspired ones in the middle look like he made them in the garage at the house with peanut n'em in an attempt to be ORIGINAL-bleh! ones on the right...too damn much in the color department. what is that pattern? lord help the babies!!!!

DOUBLE UGH!!! ok, for real, i would be afraid of this girl on a regular day...but this get-up is really frightening. what are the make-shift arm-wraps? those cheap little rhinestone thingies going across her chest look like they are holding on for dear life, and THE COLLAR!!!!!!!!!! what in tarnations told her to put a cruella de-ville collar on that contraption? p.s. i think my cat would have looked better perched on top of her head rather than that pointy mess. HEY!! my cat is white, so she would have matched!

ok, i missed the memo. WITCH COLLARS ARE IN!!! they must be! now, what is up with the extra saggy materialization going on up top? now, if the boobies are flat and saggy that shape doesn't help (i think this is the issue). if they are small and almost non-existent, they look as if they disappeared in all that rufflization. i just hope it's not the flat-and -saggy, cuz a nip might find its way to that peephole in the middle. the waist seems awfully high, but i guess the booty shorts underneath make up for the cooch-shot we get when she walks

ok, neck tats-CHECK! big gaudy (fake) earrings-CHECK! suits that are 4-5 sizes too big-CHECK! counterfeit money printed at peanut's house-CHECK!
hey-at least they're not wearing white!

this here-IS MY FAVORITE!!! let's explore....miss orange dress, someone lied and told you that your body looked cute with THAT much information exposed. did you think that putting some shimmer on your boob holders would distract us all from the thunder action going on down below? my dear, you too, could stand to be suctioned in a little. ma'daam in the middle, did your aunt willona pick out that disco queen pattern you have splayed all over your dress? you actually seem to have a decent body, but the dress has too much action and makes you look frumpy in the middle. and what is that in the middle of your chest-a brooch? a sticker? i can't tell. le' chick on the right-now you KNOW you are wrong for those damn glow-in-the-dark mesh ruffles at the end of your mini-dress. i would be willing to overlook YOUR psychadelic print if you didn't have the pooch-pooch going on also. this whole picture is a bag of skittles gone wild!

now even tho i don't like the colors, this child looks the most normal. is she a visitor? or did she miss the pre-prom committee meeting that said to look crazy at this year's event? i give her props for being brave enough to look like a REGULAR PROM-GOER. (yes, i am ignoring the fact that someone thought it would be cute to dress up lil' man-man and throw him up in the pictures)

i have NEVER in all my days seen so many flattened, smashed, distorted and distressed boobs in my life. and for these ladies to be in high-school, what is up with that? now, i know i can be a little old-fashioned, but i was at my prom less than 10 years ago. have times changed that much? seriously, i cannot understand the method behind these outfits. BOYS AND GIRLS!! everyone looks a fright!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Meet Denny and Kelly..........

I THINK YOU'RE CRAZAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!!!!!!!!! or maybe i'm crazay!

SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!! ok, so ya'll know i live in the jungle with a bunch of wild animals for neighbors. at this point in the game, i would be remiss not to acknowledge the newest additions to the coo-coo family. just for memory's sake, adam, olivia and tashi live upstairs, pablo and margarita live upstairs from them and now, denny and kelly live next door. i knew someone had moved in a few weeks ago, but they were like phantom neighbors at first. i saw a car, but didn't know whose it was. the door would be open, but i never saw who went in or out. well, one fine afternoon as i lay reclining in my living room, i heard it...BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!! it's club music. now, at first i thought it was good old margarita, but she plays a lot of hood stuff. this was like techno and club. WTF!?!?! you know i called the cops. but i couldn't see who exactly was producing this noise. see, they were having a apartment-warming i guess, cuz there were mad people going in and out. the cops came, the music subsided, got loud again, called cops again, cops came again, music subsided. ARGH!!!! can anyone with some sense besides myself move in around here? or will i have to just take on every neighbor and their foolishness single-handedly?

dumb question

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED MY F*CKIN' LIGHT!" me and starr baby were awakened by this. we sat up, looked around, laid back down, until "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH, FIND MY F*CKIN LIGHT DAMMIT!!!!!! I OUGHTTA GO UPSIDE YOUR F*CKIN HEAD!!!!!! YOU'RE SUCH A B*TCH!" well, let's go investigate. i got out of my bed and realized the new neighbors had their window open, hence the very loud volume. so here we go, basically denny is a 35 year old married man who is pissed at the world and can't understand why kelly won't leave him alone when he gets like this. then to top it all off, she lost his light and he needs to light his weed so he can calm down. yes, i found all of this out because he is screaming it at the top of his lungs. as he walks in circles calling her every name in the book, she just stood there looking terrified. (starr and i had a great view into their window) he walks around shirtless wearing khakis and a blue bandanna on his head. he's got a scruffy beard and looks every bit like trailer trash. she's heavily overdone make-up wise, looks waaaaaaaay younger than him and scared beyond belief. he calls her a few more names and curses her for always asking him "when are we gonna smoke weed. that's all you ever say...now you can't find my f*ckin light". he sits down, lifts two barbells about 6 six times, gets up, paces some more, then finds a matchbook on the desk "behind her stupid papers." i got so caught up in the argument that i forgot to call the cops (my new favorite activity. they are so used to me calling, they gave me the direct number to dispatch so i don't have to get transferred from the desk now-WHOOPEE!!!!). after he lit up, she walked away, he ran after her and who knows what took place......maybe a few slaps and pushes, maybe some hot trailer make-up sex, maybe some mellowing out followed by crack smoking and 40's. nonetheless, i crawled back into bed. i looked up, and my poor cat was so enthralled by these fools, she was stretched up to the window, head poking through the curtains AND blinds still watching.....DAMN SHAME -
when even the animals are entertained by these nuts

maybe me and starr baby will start walking around like this...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Celebrity Ca-Ca

sometimes, i feel like the whole hoopla behind our culture's obsession with celebrities and their lives are um, INSANE!!!!!!! now, i can get with a little celeb dish & dirt every now and then, but some of this mess is just RETARDED!!!

can someone PUH-LEASE tell me WTF is the big deal about angeline jolie and brad pitt's bald headed baby? i mean, they have never been that interesting to me, but i just don't get what the hoopla is about. i was just flipping thru the channels and there was a special on dedicated just to the days leading up to her birth. so my WTF questions are:

1. WTF did they name it shiloh which has one translation as "messiah"? that's doing a wee bit too much

2. why did some baby boutique design a pacifier made of white gold and over 278 diamonds (about 3 karats) for the kid valued around $17K?

3. why is it rumored that a magazine paid over $4 million dollars for pics of this kid?

i'm really not hating, but i don't get it.

next up, jaleel white. have ya'll heard the rumor that he (steve urkel) killed himself? now, i heard the rumor, then i heard it's not true and i hope its not. but for it to be a rumor, this is a very elaborate and ridiculous story and i can' t imagine who would start such a thing...people need to get a life

Jaleel White, who played 'nerdy 'neighbor Steve Urkel on "Family Matters" was found dead Monday. He was 29 years old. White was pronounced dead on arrival after admission to an LA hospital early Monday morning. The death is being investigated as a suicide. Born Jaleel Ahmad White, he began his career at the age of three acting in television commercials, before landing guest spots on shows such as "The Jeffersons" and "Mr. Belvedere." It was in 1989 that White landed the role that would make him famous, playing wacky neighbor 'Steve Urkel' on the ABC program "Family Matters." Following the cancellation of "Family Matters" in 1997, friends claim White became obsessed with the character, and grew despondent, despite further successes as star and producer of the UPN sitcom "Grownups", and as a writer for NBA.com. Neighbor and friend, Bradley Spencer alerted police after hearing what he described as "a loud bang" coming from White's Los Angeles apartment. Authorities state that upon entering the home they discovered a young African-American male with an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Also found was a note, which read simply "Did I do that?", a popular catchphrase from the show. "Jaleel was an uncommonly good man, an exceptional role model and a great comedic actor," said William Bickley, who created the series, and Thomas L. Miller, one of the executive producers, in a joint statement. "We feel privileged to have known him and worked with him. He'll be missed and remembered every day by his many, many friends," they said. Actress Kellie Williams -- Laura Winslow on the series -- described White as a consummate professional actor. "Everyone adored him," she said. "We have all lost a dear, dear brother," said Reginald VelJohnson, who played Carl Winslow. White, an only child, is survived by "cousins, aunts, uncles, and wonderful friends," Bickley said.

now, if this is a lie, this a waaaaaaaaaaay too elaborate of a scam to circulate. NOT COOL! and i hope whoever made this up gets the pants sued off of them. if it is true, then it is a very sad and tragic occurrence and i am sorry to hear it.

Lastly, i'm sure we all "heard" about the Houston rapper who allegedly infected a woman with HIV and was sued for $25 million. THEN it is being rumored that Slim Thug is going around to radio stations and appearances showing people his HIV test results so as to dispel ANY notions that he could be the rapper in question...OK-TOO MUCH!!!!
now, i have NO idea who it could be, but the waving around of test results just looks hella shady to me. i mean, even if people are thinking it's him, so what!?!?! half the stuff we hear isn't accurate anyways. but to carry around a piece of paper to show people is hmmmmmmmm, weird.

for all we know, your boy, lil' stomachache coulda made that up on his computer or something. is it really that deep? i mean, i don't know about ya'll but i carry all medical test results, report cards from grades K thru college, and my cat's birth certificate around in my purse each and every day...don't you? god forbid someone challenge me on the validity of these items and i not be able to prove i'm telling the truth!!!!!

some celebs and celeb hounds REALLY and truly need to GET A LIFE and cut all of this mess out. i must admit tho, it really cracks me up, but DANG! they're still people too. they have regular bald babies, have completely false stories made up and are whores just like regular folks. nonetheless, thanks for the laughs!!!!!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Ghetto L-O-V-E (From A Smilie's POV)

I was reading luvin me’s blog the other day and she posted about an extremely ghetto wedding she attended recently, complete with flowered baby strollers and blue fingernails that matched the blue bridesmaid's dresses (GAG! ). She asked if we had experienced any ghetto wedding adventures and I instantly flashed back to the first wedding I coordinated alone. I was fresh out of college and my first job centered around planning parties, conferences and weddings. I was still learning but had enough knowledge to swing this one alone. A friend of my mother’s had a daughter who was getting married and my mom was going to do the wedding, but she ended up needing surgery and was gonna be bed-ridden so my mom asked me to pick up where she left off. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN this was gonna be a disaster, but I hoped that since we knew each other, things might run a little smoother. WRONG!!!! Problem # 1-the bride wanted a $50,000 wedding with a budget of $500. Problem # 2, the bride AND groom were very “urban” in their taste which directly conflicted with my taste. Problem # 3, I didn't think they could afford what I would have regularly charged. Problem # 4, we were running out of time. I should have exited as soon as I realized these things, but i decided to try to make a wedding out of wackness.

When I first came on the scene, the bride spoke of grand visions, a band, a dj, a nice reception hall, food, wine and fabulous decorations. Once I came up with a very basic proposal, the truth came out….big dreams, little dollars. So I instructed the bride to think a little more practically about what she could afford. Talk about a 180 degree turnaround! First stop, the reception hall. Ms. Bride takes me to a campground she had visited a few years back and we entered what they used as the dining hall. Everything was wooden and ragged. It smelled old and musty and I immediately objected to this facility. The next day, I went to secure a room at the botanical gardens (which was surprisingly cheaper) and told the bride of the great news. She was NOT excited. But I held strong to my objection of Camp Minnie-Wa-Wa. Fight #1 ensued but she reluctantly agreed. NEXT UP, the colors. Now I acknowledge that there are many sentimental reasons behind the colors people choose for their wedding, but PUH-LEASE be reasonable. This was a greek couple…he-a kappa, she-an SGRHo. And they BOTH wanted to incorporate their colors into the wedding. Hmmmmmm, great idea except his are RED and CREAM and hers are ROYAL BLUE and GOLD (gasp!) after what seemed like countless and lengthy deuls, I begged them to throw out at least ONE color, preferably a primary (red or blue). Ms. Bride chucked the blue so we were left with FIRE ENGINE RED, CREAM and GOLD as a color scheme (no comment). NEXT UP, decorations. The bride and groom were crying broke so I went to the bride’s mother who wrote me a whopping check for $200. With this mountain of money I was supposed to decorate the church and reception room. In the back of my mind, I was wondering about music and food, but I figured I’d chill and attack one issue at a time.

As far as the church, I had to go with fake flowers, some ribbon and a few candles. In an effort to save money, the bride suggested I decorate the reception tables with coke cans (red) wrapped in cellophane . I didn’t even ask if she thought they should be empty or full cans before I politely declined her suggestion and said I’d find a more elegant centerpiece. She didn't appreciate my diss, but COME ONE!! coke cans!?!?!?!? Fight # 2 , but I was sticking to my guns. I headed to the glass store and bought oodles of glass bowls with frilled edges. I glued those horrendous colors of red and gold around the top of the bowl and got some glass writing pens. I wrote in calligraphy on each of them, some had their names, some had the wedding date. I filled the glasses up with water and dropped in some red and gold floating candles and voila-centerpieces. I then trekked to the party store (again in my car with my gas) and rented a huge helium pump. I single handedly blew up 300 balloons and strung them all. I got some red and gold do-dads to sprinkle all over the tables, after I bought cream tablecloths of course. At this point, my funds were in the negative. I asked Ms. Bride about the music and she said she’d take care of it. I had no idea of the extent she would handle things until I experienced the madness myself. The night of the rehearsal, I gave everyone their directions, marked their places and ran thru the practice even though about 6 people were missing. It worried me cuz they would be lost the next day, but oh well! Then the groom’s parents informed everyone that we were to head to the local Denny’s for the rehearsal dinner . If anyone deviated from the pre-fixed menu, they would be responsible for their own meal. So either you licked up your salisbury steak, country fried chicken or chicken fried steak OR you might find yourself outside of the wedding circle. The thought alone made me nauseous, so I skipped the dinner and went back to tying up the few loose ends before the big day.

That morning, I was scurrying around, dressing kids, ironing veils, looking for breath mints (cuz the bride's breath was on FIYAH!) then IT happened. The time came to start walking down the aisle and I was knocked off balance by a sound I had never heard before. Was someone drowning a family of cats? Perhaps someone was scratching a chalkboard repeatedly? I peered through the door and tucked away in the left corner was a small group of 4th graders. See, the bride and groom were teachers. The bride borrowed a few of her students who were just learning how to play their instruments to provide the ambience for her ceremony. Too bad they had only mastered their instruments for about 2 weeks…yet in still, I shooed everyone down the aisle to the dying kitty cat remix of the wedding march, including the bride’s drunk brother who had to carry the too-young ring bearer/his son who was screaming bloody murder. I then hot-tailed it to the garden to start lighting the candles and inquiring about the reception music. This is when I found out they got another friend to cater some finger foods. There was pasta salad, regular salad, wing-dings, meatballs and cheese. There wasn’t a drop of liquor in the place. I helped the cake lady assemble the cake and in came the crowd. I noticed the bride’s extremely strange sister carrying her stereo, but I ignored it for the moment and made the proper introductions. After that, I got bombarded by the bride’s sorority sister who wanted to sing a song to her and I told her I would squeeze her in at the appropriate time. After all, I had a program to follow. She ran to the bride and told on me (so you know I was hot) but I STILL made her wait until I had done my parts. Fight # 3 The bride starts crying and Sorority sister just stands there like she expected me to hand her the mic...but i just made up some stuff to say so i could keep holding onto it. Then the bride’s sister took the mic, sat it by her radio and played her own personal music collection-first song – “nobody needs nobody” by playa fly, a local Memphis artist. I tried to get a snippet of the song so you could understand how horrific of a choice it was...but i couldn't. so just revel in the picture of playa fly and the chorus of the song which goes "nobody needs nobody. all i need is me and my dog nigga, so f*ck all of ya'll niggas"

I damn near died!!!!! And YES! the bride and groom were out there hunching to this song. I just stood there clutching my pearls as I noticed that some of the groom’s frat brothers were complaining about the choice of drinks. Well, the bride’s alcoholic brother took off to the store and returned with a few boxes of wine. Yes-BOXES of wine! I had had about enough at this point. I went and told the bride she looked lovely (forgive me Lord for lying), said a few goodbyes and BOUNCED!!!!!

And you know what, no one even told me thank you for any of the work I did. i mean, i didn't need a parade. Some simple songs of praise, bowing and flower throwing would have sufficed.
I didn't get a thank you card OR call and surely not a small monetary offering even after the dust had settled...but it sure was a good laugh!!!!!!!!