You Make Me Sick, You Fat Hairy Piece of Dog Poo!

well peoples, the time has come to update you all on my living situation. as you know, i live in a crazy environment. it goes without saying that i am the only sane person living there and have had nothing but problems since i moved in. now, let's track back so you can understand why i'm having problems now. when i moved in, no one had lived there. it was a renovated place and it seemed cool. NOT SO!!! once i moved in, i realized that my slumlord was conducting renovations upstairs from me which equaled many early mornings and late nights of banging, knocking, hammering, sawing, yelling, etc. for the first four months, i had NO peace. during these first few months, i called my slumlord a lot to complain because these workers were getting comfortable picking crazy hours to work. i figured he was tired of me complaining, but i was always nice and hey, i paid my rent, i deserved a LITTLE quiet, at least at seven in the morning. well, thanksgiving rolls around. i go to detroit for the weekend. on thanksgiving day i get a call from slumlord. guess what? a mexican fell through my ceiling into my kitchen! i had A FIT!!!!!!!!!!!! my cat was there alone, so i knew she was freaking out and i could only imagine what the place looked like. god forbid i had company for thanksgiving...it would have been ruined. but i was so pissed, because slumlord picked up random immigrants and paid them pennies to do work around there. well, what happens when you don't get professionals? it's raining immigrants!!!!!!!!!! i sent someone over there to check on the place and report the condition cuz slumlord was playing it down, making it seem like no big deal. the report was not good. my entire kitchen and living room had been covered in a thick dust blanket. slumlord said he'd get his (immigrant) wife to clean up...but when i returned, i could tell she only did a surface clean. ya'll know what that is...just wiping the front and top of things. but the dust was so thick, it was inside the cabinets, in every nook and cranny, even covering the walls and lastly-MY POOR CAT!!! she was a funky beige-gray. my cat is white as the driven snow. just to touch her set off a dust cloud. i was LIVID!! i demanded that he reimburse me to have my place PROFESSIONALLY cleaned and for my cat to be groomed. he reluctantly agreed. i couldn't stay there for a while cuz i couldn't breathe in that much dust due to my own conditions.

here comes new year's. i had 3 friends come visit from down south. we had a whole weekend planned for fun. well, little did i know that adam, olivia and tashi picked this same time to move in. and how did i find out? in the wee hours of the morning when we were on our way back home from the club. i couldn't pull in to park because adam had wedged his too damn big moving truck in the entryway and couldn't get it out. he had his car hitched to the back so that made it difficult to move. well, my issue is that i do not park my car on the street. i HAVE a parking space and i wanted to get to it. well after waiting an hour or so, they got the damn truck out of the way, but i was pissed cuz we needed to be asleep due to our very hectic plans. the next day we go out, come back and the same thing again....the damn truck!!! at this point, i called my people to come over and cuss out slumlord cuz i'm like-how are you allowing people to just come and do what they want and inconvenience everyone else. i don't do stuff like that. you have other tenants here who have things going on and don't have time for this, etc. nonetheless, there was a small melee outside and finally the truck was moved. for the next few months, pablo and margarita decided to make their presence known. this is when i really started to witness their foolishness. they started playing "gasolina" 77 times in a row and margarita must have lost her cell phone because she took to hollering out of the window at pablo on a frequent basis. i made several complaints against their noise but most times, they continued to be loud. i continued to complain to slumlord but he rarely did anything.

enter water problems. now, i had not had issues with the water until adam and company moved in. i swear they took about 7 showers a day-EACH. maybe they did so cuz they weren't used to having showers? i don't know...but whatever the case, they were always running the water! i tried to time them and use the water when they weren't but i was like-WTF!!! i pay my rent. i should be able to use my water when i want. freak this! well, the day came when i had somewhere to go and i was washing my hair. with soap in my hair, the water turned ice cold and slowed to a trickle. WTF!?!?!?!?! i called slumlord and he pretty much dismissed me saying there was nothing he could do about it. ok, well i called someone who could do something-THE CITY!!!! two hours later, the city had tested the water which was STILL 40 degrees colder than it should have been because slumlord is running too many apartments off of a water heater thats too small. my plans were ruined and i was pissed. i figured he would be pissed at me for calling them but i had to show him i was not the one to mess with. i had been very agreeable and nice...to the point where he felt like he didn't have to address me or take me seriously.

well, payback time has arrived. my lease is up and he arrives with a new lease that is CRAZAY!!!!! he was offering me a lease to stay there but it would cost me about $200 more dollars after he finished instituting his changes. i was outraged. i figured he was doing this to make me say i would leave because the lease was completely lop-sided. well, long story short....i agreed to leave but he wanted to me to commit to leaving in 30 days. WHY THE F*CK AM I BEING RUSHED OUT!?!?! you have crackheads upstairs, africans who use up the utilities like there is no tomorrow and me. truth be told, he doesn't like me because i do not allow him to be the slumlord he truly wants to be. whereas the other people are pretty low-class and don't care about much, i am like-um, fix this, do that, this is wrong, too loud, too this, too that, blah blah blah! i just had to call the cops on some folks playing their music too loud yesterday! come to find out, he had advertised for the apartment and none of the proposed changes are going to take place once i'm out- basically, he tricked me into believing that if i stayed, i would have to pay out the *ss. since he knew i wouldn't stand for that, i agreed to leave. but he never intended on making these changes. he knows me well enough to know i would leave and he could do whatever after i was gone. can you believe that after all of the madness that i have endured, i, ME, MISS FAB-U-LOUS F*CKING A is being treated this way? for now, i have to resist the urge to have someone whoop his ass, slash his tires, or spraypaint his van. or maybe even abduct him, hogtie him and drag him into the woods and make him listen to gasolina over and over while immigrants blew sawdust in his face repeatedly, let shampoo drip into his eyes burning him until he goes blind and then spray him with cold water until he begs for mercy. for now, i'll try to stick to the legal tricks and resist the temptation that would soothe my mind.

well, enter lawyers, and my team of people who are plotting our revenge...................stay tuned to find out what happens next!