Up On The 2, Down On The 3, Ned the Whino Performed for Me

i was very excited to be on my way to see The Color Purple musical with my mum. the weather folks were predicting some weird type of winter storm/mixture and mum was acting extremely paranoid-so she didn't want me to drive. that left the wonderful world of mass transit...we took NJ transit into the city but we were going to dinner before the show at Native, so we had to take the subway uptown. as soon as we headed down to the platform, i could tell mum was regretting her suggestion for me not to drive. she was grabbing my arm and looking around all wide-eyed at the various sites. so as we waited for the train, we were lulled into a calm state of euphoria by the bucket drummer. finally the train arrived and we actually had room to sit-whoopee! about 2 minutes into the ride, the door opens and a loud clear voice began to say "Ladies & Gentlemen, I am on this train begging for money so that I can eat dinner tonight. Please give me money!" out comes the old plastic bag that she shoved in everyone's face as she james-brown-shuffled down the aisle saying "gimme some chaaaaange, gimme some chaaaaaange" well, i was not impressed with her performance, so i let her bypass me and i didn't contribute. i just felt like her heart wasn't in it.

anyhoos, we went to dinner-all the while mum is pulling on me and looking over her shoulder like crazy (she doesn't walk around ny very often, hardly at all to be exact). dinner was lovely and we decided it was best to head back downtown even though we had an hour and 45 minutes to burn. well, we entered the subway platform again and i was trying to get a metrocard but the machine was experiencing technical diffculties. as i was trying to see if i could get it to work, some type of imp came up to me asking for me to buy it a metrocard. i couldn't really understand it because it was talking in some weird jibberish, but i did decipher the word metrocard and i politely declined the request. well, mum must have been scared senseless cuz her face was frozen, mouth agape, clutching her pearls. you would have thought that she saw the ghost of christmas past or something...so she motions for me to go to the window to get my card. the little imp continued to harrass patrons as they waited, scratching and slobbing all over itself in pursuit of a metrocard, but no one was convinced by it's performance either. it did have on some nice old school converse sneakers though.

well, here comes the 3-so we hopped on and just as the doors were about to close, a beige and brown blur jumped in and stood in front of me. the smell eminating from this person had my eyes on fire for about 23 seconds and once i shook a few tears out, i just knew something was about to go down. holy hamburgers!! it was ned the whino!!! and he was going to perform....there were a lot of people so we held onto the pole and the audience watched with anticipation as he displayed his talents

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the masterpiece known as Whino Wishes performed by Ned the Whino

people, people, people whats really good?
this ain't hollywood
we all in the hood
so why not be good?
what about our brothers?
our sisters and our mothers?
what about the soldiers over there?
don't ya'll think they scared?
i wonder what its like over there
i hope you all get hooooooooooooooooooome
and that you're not aloooooooooooooooooone
(then he beat the ceiling about 5 times for dramatic effect, damn near sending my mum into cardiac arrest)
yes, i'm begging on the train
no i'm not insane
just speaking from my brain
cuz this ain't hollywood
yup, i live in the hood
so could ya'll be good?
and give me some dough
i know ya'll gots to gooooooooooooooooooooooo
but remember me thooooooooooooooooooogh
cuz i ain't that strange
i'm just beggin for your spare change

now, THAT'S how you beg!!!! i felt him from the moment he high-jacked my nostrils with his aroma. he made excellent eye contact with the subway riders, he projected his voice like he was on top of mt. everest. he used hand gestures and facial expressions that were really convincing...i believe he really felt those words. and they rhymed!!!! regardless, to the fact that the poem was rather elementary, at least he thought enough to put something together.

i couldn't throw my money quickly enough...i wish i had some food or something. i would have given him that too. i'm not kidding. if you're gonna be a bum or begger, please be the best bum or begger you can be. don't just stand there with a sign and your cute dirty puppy and expect something from me. (by the way, how can homeless people afford to have pets? and where do they get arts & crafts materials from if they are broke? some have good signs, too - lamenated or with glitter and puff-paints...hmmmmmmmmmmmm) ned the whino brought it!!! and thats why he prolly earned enough money to buy a nice warm 40 ounce to snuggle up to that night.



if you see a local whino, don't just walk on by, even though the smell might make you cry, give whinos a try, don't you be shy, if you're like my mum and full of fright,don't you worry cuz you'll be alright, as long as you keep up the fight, and don't be fickle, at least throw them a nickel- cuz they gotta drink too!

awwww shizz!!! ned's catchy rhymes are inspiring!! you know that last line was like butter-AH HA!! (get yo' love jones snap on!!!)

p.s. he really did perform this piece...i only posted the parts i remembered
p.p.s. the play was excellent!!!!