******just to put ya'll regulars on notice...i've been bitten by the revenge bug. last night i went home, put on some lindsay lohan and the yeah, yeah, yeahs, blasted it like crazy and played the drums with my umbrella. it was magical. the walls shook, the floor vibrated. i KNOW i disturbed my neighbors...and this morning, i called them all crackheads outside-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! sweet justice. more of these dumb antics to follow. i tried to show some class, but now, i'll show my ig'nant ass!******
NOW, onto today's post...many of you may not be aware that the "urban" prom goers up here have some sort of twisted take on reality. gone are the days of pretty dresses, normal hairstyles and elegance. gone are common colors, patterns and even body images that look good in said attire. i do believe that the goal is to see how much of your body you can expose for minimal cost regarding material, dress pattern, fashion and TASTE. gone are the sweet and innocent allure of young party-goers just out to have some fun, dance a little and look cute doing it............
i welcome you to ONE of NEW JERSEY'S PROMS, located in Stankville, NJ (get your barf bag ready)
now let me say, this is one of the mildest ones, but ol' girl's dress looks about 2-3 sizes too big. that saggy ruching and cheap rhinestone belly chain thing do NOT go...one or the other. not to mention, one of her nips are about to make a guest appearance. i won't comment on the orange being that i canot see it completely, but missy in the black-DOUBLE NO to the garter. you are not a pussycat doll, bride or stripper-so what gives?? (i don't know how much truth is in the last occupational reference) but, let me say-I TAKE ISSUE WITH WOMEN WHO FEEL IT'S OKAY TO SHOW THEIR STOMACHS JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A CHANDELIER HANGING FROM IT, REGARDLESS OF THE SHAPE OF SAID STOMACH. there's a little too much pooch going on in el estomago-BOO!!!! let's take another look........ we can see from the side view that there is a little too much protrusion going on-EW! homey in the back looks like an easter basket exploded on her, but at least she's covered. but miss thang in the front (1) THE EYESHADOW is KILLING me! (2) maybe the double sided tape isn't working cuz i bet she was tugging at that thing all night. she looks uncomfortable (3) is the top even attached to the bottom? what is with all of the rumpling and funkiness around the mid-section!??! (4) doesn't she kinda look like a cracked-out rudy huxtable? is this supposed to be a tribute to a flag? i take issue with flag-inspired clothing...it just seems so un-original and boring blue & white dress-PASS! but the shiny yellow thing is priceless. first of all, the boobies are smashed beyond recognition and the slit is too damn high. is there lycra in that!?!?! i love her confidence, but the dress just screams "look at my cha-cha PLEEEEEASE!" and NO SHE DID NOT have the "ardacity" to have a friggin ruffled train attached...but the best part is the date behind her made to carry the train. that's right people, for the cost of a shotty tux with pimp daddy shoes, you too can have a man servant escort you and your ruffles to the prom! yet another example of a tummy (and belly button ring) that could have looked better underneath a nice & snug girdle. and might i add, i HATE assymetrical hemlines!-ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love those pink shades and disposable camera tho. lady in the tan/brown-WTF!!???! did your momma throw the curtains on you as you were walking out the door? lady in the pink/peach-are you ashamed to be seen with curtain girl? or did you realize that your dress is too tight in the boob area and couldn't muster up enough breath for a smile in the pic? and why do you have a gray purse with not a drop of gray in your dress? WHAT IN THE CRISP HOT HELL TOLD THEM THIS WAS FLY!?!?! and WTF is up with all the white? is it against the rules to wear a regular black tux? now, direct your eyes to the footage area....as much as i hate those damn pimp looking shoes, at least the baby blues look quasi-costly. but the crayola-inspired ones in the middle look like he made them in the garage at the house with peanut n'em in an attempt to be ORIGINAL-bleh! ones on the right...too damn much in the color department. what is that pattern? lord help the babies!!!! DOUBLE UGH!!! ok, for real, i would be afraid of this girl on a regular day...but this get-up is really frightening. what are the make-shift arm-wraps? those cheap little rhinestone thingies going across her chest look like they are holding on for dear life, and THE COLLAR!!!!!!!!!! what in tarnations told her to put a cruella de-ville collar on that contraption? p.s. i think my cat would have looked better perched on top of her head rather than that pointy mess. HEY!! my cat is white, so she would have matched! ok, i missed the memo. WITCH COLLARS ARE IN!!! they must be! now, what is up with the extra saggy materialization going on up top? now, if the boobies are flat and saggy that shape doesn't help (i think this is the issue). if they are small and almost non-existent, they look as if they disappeared in all that rufflization. i just hope it's not the flat-and -saggy, cuz a nip might find its way to that peephole in the middle. the waist seems awfully high, but i guess the booty shorts underneath make up for the cooch-shot we get when she walks ok, neck tats-CHECK! big gaudy (fake) earrings-CHECK! suits that are 4-5 sizes too big-CHECK! counterfeit money printed at peanut's house-CHECK!hey-at least they're not wearing white! this here-IS MY FAVORITE!!! let's explore....miss orange dress, someone lied and told you that your body looked cute with THAT much information exposed. did you think that putting some shimmer on your boob holders would distract us all from the thunder action going on down below? my dear, you too, could stand to be suctioned in a little. ma'daam in the middle, did your aunt willona pick out that disco queen pattern you have splayed all over your dress? you actually seem to have a decent body, but the dress has too much action and makes you look frumpy in the middle. and what is that in the middle of your chest-a brooch? a sticker? i can't tell. le' chick on the right-now you KNOW you are wrong for those damn glow-in-the-dark mesh ruffles at the end of your mini-dress. i would be willing to overlook YOUR psychadelic print if you didn't have the pooch-pooch going on also. this whole picture is a bag of skittles gone wild! now even tho i don't like the colors, this child looks the most normal. is she a visitor? or did she miss the pre-prom committee meeting that said to look crazy at this year's event? i give her props for being brave enough to look like a REGULAR PROM-GOER. (yes, i am ignoring the fact that someone thought it would be cute to dress up lil' man-man and throw him up in the pictures)i have NEVER in all my days seen so many flattened, smashed, distorted and distressed boobs in my life. and for these ladies to be in high-school, what is up with that? now, i know i can be a little old-fashioned, but i was at my prom less than 10 years ago. have times changed that much? seriously, i cannot understand the method behind these outfits. BOYS AND GIRLS!! everyone looks a fright!!!!!!!!!!I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED YOUR STROLL THRU FUNKYTOWN!!!!